Friday, October 31, 2008

Kekko Kamen: Kekko Kamen Returns (Review)

[It's Kekko Kamen Fridays!!! Thanks to Insano Steve, for the next few Fridays we'll have a review of the Kekko Kamen series, a sleazy, Skinemaxish superhero movies straight from the headquarters of the strange, Japan. Insano Steve spared no expense in fleshing out the movies and you'll find his reviews stimulating and penetrating. Pun so intended!]

Kekko Kamen Returns

Kekko Kamen Returns (2004)

Directed by Takafumi Nagamine

[This review with 50% more breasts!!!]

BEGIN PROLOGUE

Japan is a country with no natural resources. It's basically a bunch of barren rocks floating in salt water. But the Japanese have made the most of this unfortunate situation by working 18-hour work days and maintaining a conservative culture. This obviously takes a toll on the Japanese psyche so there must be some outlet for these repressed overworked souls. Hello Hentai!

Hentai is the happy collision of cartoons and pornography. The Japanese really love their hentai because:

1.) They're perverts.

2.) One resource they have is great imaginations. Japan is the most technologically advanced nation in the world. They can't just watch the same old porn over and over.

3.) They are youth-obsessed. Hello-Kitty/J-Pop crap is a freaking big deal there. And so are cartoons.

Let's take a look at my favorite hentai (well hentai minus the penetration), the wonderful Kekko Kamen. This was an anime that was ironically turned into a series of live-action movies. Kekko Kamen (which means "Big Tit Avenger" in English), is the story of a girl, Mayumi, who attends the boarding school, "Toenail of Satan's Spartan Institute of Higher Education".

The school is run by sexual deviants (the ManGriffons/MFG) who use the school to grope, peep, molest and torture the students for their own sexual gratification (hey, like the Catholic Church!).

The students' only protection from the pervs is Kekko Kamen. Our heroine wears only red boots, a mask (with rabbit ears!), gloves, scarf, and her trusted nunchakus. So she's always fully frontally nude. Oh Yeah!

Her special attack is her flying headscissor move, the "Muffication", which works by asphyxiating her enemy with her radioactive vagina. Kekko’s civilian identity is the one non-pervert teacher at the school. Though this is not technically pornography, it is certainly perverted (in a good way of course) and plenty of fun.

END PROLOGUE

Here's a rundown of Kekko Kamen Returns:

Easily the finest of the 4 parts, both in story and perversion. This time, Mayumi is trying out for the swim team (despite not knowing how to swim). The girls practice their ‘breast stroke’ in a pool that’s maybe 2 feet deep.

Mayumi is subjected to the ‘Lung Capacity Amplifier’ which looks suspiciously like a dildo. The girls’ swim coach (who is a giant poorly-rendered frog) whips them mercilessly for motivation, until Kekko drop kicks him unconscious. More panties are appropriated by the MFG.

Mayumi, with the help of alter-ego Kekko, finally learns how to swim. Later on, Mayumi and Kekko make out with each other (oh, how I wish I wasn’t making that up). Kekko mufficates the MFG and the swim team is saved. Fuck yeah!

What separates this part from the rest is the 2 new actresses. The new Kekko actress is much hotter and a little feistier (when naked and otherwise). Ah, but the improvement on Mayumi, wow, …

Aki Hoshino And Her Beautiful Japanese Breasts

What ultimately made me invest in the Kekko Kamen series was the presence of Aki Hoshino as Mayumi. Miss Hoshino is a ‘gravure model’. Gravure is the Japanese equivalent of American Maxim-like magazines. Where you can see a girl’s everything (besides nipples and labia).

She is best known for being over 30 yet looking 13. She is cute and hot at the same time (not easy to do). What sets her apart is her slim model build, yet fantastically large breasts. There’s been much speculation on the authenticity of said breasts and the consensus, so far, is ‘inconclusive’.

Now, everyone knows the tell-tale signs of tit augmentation (gross scars, rock hard immovable bulging round spheres, etc. – think Posh Spice Beckham). And I admittedly, have indirectly researched this subject for countless hours.

But Aki’s breasts don’t fall into any of those obvious fake categories. They are far larger than her frame might suggest. However they are remarkably buoyant and supple. She supposedly even did a CAT scan on them, during a TV show, to reveal no silicon.

So what could it be?

Are they somehow, against all odds, just magnificently real?
Is she a real life manga character?

Or have the Japanese once again improved upon an original design (in this case, God’s)?
(If the Japanese have found a way to ‘build a better breast’, then we all must applaud them. If anyone can do it, perhaps they can.)

Is it some special saline injection?
An all-seaweed diet?
A miracle titty cream?

For me, more research is certainly necessary. In the meantime, God bless all that is Japan.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.





Now check out Aki Hoshuno showing her assets at a a Japanese baseball game........





And gratuitous running...........






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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Urban Decay (Trailer)


What do Dean Cain, Brooke Burns and Meatloaf have in common?

Well they were all in the same horror movie together. A movie called Urban Decay.

And it seems this movie is becoming a Hollywood B-flick urban legend of shit hitting the fan.

The movie from what I can gather at the IMDB message boards will probably never see the light of day as it seems the producers never paid the Teamsters and any of the actors and production crew. The producers ran off with the fuckin money.

That's just messed up.

The disgruntled crew want everybody to boycott the movie, but that shouldn't be hard if it never gets released.

So all we're left with is some sort of badly written plot by some screenwriting waiter and a goofy trailer of what could have been.

Plot-o-rama (yay Wikipedia)

Cab driver Stan slams into a homeless man, who gets up and walks away, leaving behind a scarf covered with writhing maggots. Obsessed with the mystery, Stan hunts the ragtag figure through the city, discovering a trail of mangled, half-eaten victims, and an urban legend : Pusshead was a sewer worker who came back from an uncharted tunnel changed into something both living and dead. Parents warn their children that the shuffling zombie will get them if they stay out on the streets too late... But as the body count rises, Stan finds that the legend is alive and well... hungry.

We could have actually seen a homeless zombie killing Brooke Burns (who would have taken her place as co-host of Hole in the Wall?)

Check out the trailer






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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit (Trailer)


What is Minoru Kawasaki's obsession with world leaders in perilous situations resulting in the Japanese having to save the world?

Just like The World Sinks Except Japan, this time we get a Godzilla like monster attacking Kyoto during the G8 summit (what no W?)

It's up to the major and minor Japanese reluctant heroes to save the day.

This looks so cheesy you can smell the velvetta.

Check out the trailer below.





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Executive Koala (Trailer)

Minoru Kawasaki's cinematic universe is filled with such strange quirky films you wish he had an American counterpart brave enough to be this nuts. Kawasaki has brought us films like The Calamari Wrestler (yes a man in a calamari suit does wrestle) and The World Sinks Except Japan (which I really thought kinda sucked)

In 2005, he came up with Executive Koala.

Fuckin wow.

I mean jeez, check out the plot.

Tamura is an average divorced salaryman in Japan - and also a man-sized, suit-and-tie wearing, upright-walking koala bear. Though not a human being, he's a successful businessman with ventures overseas who refuses to play office politics. He hopes to marry his girlfriend, Yoko, and raise a child.

His visions are of an ordinary life with an ordinary company until his ordinary retirement. But when his girlfriend turns up dead one morning, the police finger the Executive Koala as their prime suspect. Temura runs from Detective Ono and fights to prove his innocence. Tamura wants to know why there are gaps in his memory.

Is he a murderer? Does he have multiple personalities? And what does his bartender (the frog) and his boss (the rabbit) know about the two-hundred year old terrifying secret behind the EXECUTIVE KOALA?


Check out the trailer.





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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Prom Queen (Web Series) (Review)

Prom Queen (Web Series)

http://www.promqueen.tv/

Sometimes at work, they let me review shit.

Sometimes they give me stuff to review that's way out of what I like.

They think I won't be able to review it, that I'm only good at horror and exploitation movies.

But I'm here to prove them wrong.

So they lay on me a DVD box set of an internet web series called Prom Queen. I've never heard of it.

I soon realize they've given me something at the opposite end of the horror spectrum.

A Disney-fied, Lonely Girl15 internet 90210 melodrama.

[cue Darth Vader voice from Ep. III]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suffice it to say, I watched the entire thing despite ripping my eyeballs.

So on to the review!

Simple Plot-o-Matic

The core plot of Prom Queen revolves around a text message that was sent to character Ben, saying " u will kill the prom queen." This, of course, occurs as the prom approaches, and the drama begins to unfold.

Awesome Review O Matic

When your creating a web series, you really need to hold the user's attention for 2 minutes or less. If you don't, they're a click away from seeing some other related video that's shorter and probably more funnier

Every interweb user has ADD. It's just a given. The trick is to get them involved and care as much as humanely possible about what they're watching.

So you have to go with the old fashioned motto, hook - line and sinker. Set something up in the beginning, evolve it and have a cliffhanger at the end. So for 80 episodes of 90 secs each, that's what Prom Queen does.

But it just didn't have any good bait.

PQ had to have characters you want to see over and over again. Nada. Zip. Zilch. I couldn't care about any of these people. I couldn't tell the difference between Abercrombie and Fitch wearing white kid #1 and Van Dutch wearing white kid #5. Or the brunette from the other brunette.

Some characters were walking stereotypes. A token black guy, a blonde ditzy cheerleader and a pro feminist Hillary Clinton femme fatale.

And why is it that any of these 90210 ripoffs never ever show the kids actually in class. They're hanging out before school, then a scene at lunch, a scene at their locker and then a after school activity. I swear I saw kids in a class in a Degrassi episode. Hell Head of the Class's entire premise was to show kids in an actual class. And make it interesting.

All your high school stereotypes are here. And they're like all in their late 20s playing seniors in high school. Just like the original Beverly Hills 90210. Let's go through the list and compare them to their 90210 counterparts.

1.) Ben

Our "Brandon Walsh" cardboard cutout. Who is sending him these mysterious text messages telling him to kill the Prom Queen? He's our designated driver and unfortunately we have to follow him along as he Sherlocks this mystery.

2.) Sadie

Our "Andrea Zuckerman" cardboard cutout. She's got the Hilary spunk and a Clark Kent reporting mentality. She's cool becomes she's not trying to be cool. Wow. That's so cool.

3.) Chad

Our "Steve Sanders" cardboard cutout. He plays soccer. Seriously soccer??!?!

4.) Nikki

Our "Donna Martin" cardboard cutout. Our bitchy, blonde cheerleader type who wants to be prom queen. You can see a sex tape in her future real soon.

5.) Lauren

Our "Kelly Taylor" cardboard cutout. You know the one with mommy issues.

6.) Jill

Our "Mrs. Walsh" cardboard cutout but more delusional and freakin nuts!

7.) Danica

Our "Brenda" cardboard cutout. She's British so she can be the outsider and make observations on these crazy Americans. She's our resident web cam girl.

8.) Courtney

Our Melrose Place cardboad cutout. Oooooh what's her mysterious secret she's hiding? Psssst it's porn.

9.) Curtis

Our "David Silver" cardboard cutout. He's like the guy in American Beauty but without the floating bag.

10.) Josh

Our "Dylan McKay" cardboard cutout. He's got people after him, totally gruffy and tough but without the sideburns.

11.) Brett

Token Black Guy. Nuff said.

Everybody's got issues, everybody changes relationships every 10 minutes or in this case every 30 secs. Like an episode of Lost, we learn more about the characters and their past until we get too the ultimate climax of the 8 part prom conclusion.

And we get Shyamalan-ed at the end.

It's an exercise in viral marketing and The Hills branding. All the tweeners will love this stuff. Generation Y won't be able to get enough and this is internet entertainment for the milleninal masses.

Prom Queen isn't overly terrible, definitely watchable and unique in its MySpace short burst capacity. It's nicely compact in podcast form and that's why it can be addicting. I'll admit, I have a few video podcasts and web series I follow as well.

Web drama is still in its infancy so expect more of shows like Prom Queen to hit the web soon. Or gasp! on network TV (thanks alot Quarterlife). So if a web show can go from the internet to TV, anything is possible.

Could a horror web series be in the works? Now that's what I'm talking about.

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Monday, October 27, 2008

Rewind: Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness (Trailer and Short)

We at the jaded viewer love the old 80s slasher horror of old. Remember all the old VHS boxes at your local mom and pop video stores? That's all you had to go by back then when you were in the mood for horror.

It's how I watched some of the classic 80s slasher flicks. Fuck, I didn't know what was good.
Cover art, a vague description on the back with a few photos and a killer tagline.

If all of those looked awesome, I rented it.

I'm now probably scarred by watching all this horror (all underage of course) but when I see a 80s horror film dug up on YouTube, I get all nostalgy.

Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness is the film that started the direct to video horror market.

Directed by low budget maestro Tim Ritter, it's so fuckin goofy, over the top gory and outright outrageous, it's everything a 12 year old horror kid wanted.

Let's remember the good ole times shall we? The trailer is below.






Check out the original short that gave birth to the feature film. It's sooooooo freakin hilarious.






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Saturday, October 25, 2008

the jaded viewer goes to Chiller 2008


Insano Steve and I are pulling a Favre. We're returning to Chiller. I haven't been at Chiller for a couple of years now but we figured we needed to stack up some horror swag.

I mean there are some things you just can't get or see over the Interweb like....

C List celebs, Tiffany Shepis and 70s grindhouse flicks.

Who doesn't want to get their picture with the General Lee and KITT?

So off to Hilton Parsippany we go.

If your in the tri-state area, you should check it out.

Chiller Theatre Toy Model and Expo 2008

October 24th-26th

Friday - 6 p.m. - 11 p.m.
Saturday - 11 a.m. - 7 p.m.
Sunday - 11 a.m. - 5 p.m.

I'll probably be at the Something Weird booth purchasing a copy of Blood Feast or trying to barter down dealers by purchasing their amateur home movie "films".

Hope to see you there.

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Friday, October 24, 2008

Kekko Kamen: The MGF Strikes Back (Review)

[It's Kekko Kamen Fridays!!! Thanks to Insano Steve, for the next few Fridays we'll have a review of the Kekko Kamen series, a sleazy, Skinemaxish superhero movies straight from the headquarters of the strange, Japan. Insano Steve spared no expense in fleshing out the movies and you'll find his reviews stimulating and penetrating. Pun so intended!]

Kekko Kamen: The MGF Strikes Back

Kekko Kamen: The MGF Strikes Back (1992)

Directed by Yutaka Akiyama

Prologue

Japan is a country with no natural resources. It's basically a bunch of barren rocks floating in salt water. But the Japanese have made the most of this unfortunate situation by working 18-hour work days and maintaining a conservative culture. This obviously takes a toll on the Japanese psyche so there must be some outlet for these repressed overworked souls.

Hello Hentai!

Hentai is the happy collision of cartoons and pornography.

The Japanese really love their hentai because:

1) They're perverts.

2) One resource they have is great imaginations. Japan is the most technologically advanced nation in the world. They can't just watch the same old porn over and over.

3) They are youth-obsessed. Hello-Kitty/J-Pop crap is a freaking big deal there. And so are cartoons.

Let's take a look at my favorite hentai (well hentai minus the penetration), the wonderful Kekko Kamen. This was an anime that was ironically turned into a series of live-action movies.

Kekko Kamen (which means "Big Tit Avenger" in English), is the story of a girl, Mayumi, who attends the boarding school, "Toenail of Satan's Spartan Institute of Higher Education".

The school is run by sexual deviants (the ManGriffons/MFG) who use the school to grope, peep, molest and torture the students for their own sexual gratification (hey, like the Catholic Church!).

The students' only protection from the pervs is Kekko Kamen. Our heroine wears only red boots, a mask (with rabbit ears!), gloves, scarf, and her trusted nunchakus. So she's always fully frontally nude.

Oh Yeah!

Her special attack is her flying headscissor move, the "Muffication", which works by asphyxiating her enemy with her radioactive vagina. Kekko’s civilian identity is the one non-pervert teacher at the school. Though this is not technically pornography, it is certainly perverted (in a good way of course) and plenty of fun.

Here's a rundown of the second film in the series Kekko Kamen.

The Kekko series doesn’t really have any continuity so this is a sequel in name only. This time, Mayumi’s in “Celebrity Training School” where she’s learning how to become a celebrity (yeah, seriously). Budget on this one’s maybe $300.

The perversion is way toned down here. Kekko does however unleash her “Special Reverse Crotch Revealer”, which can be described as ‘death by asshole’. The MFG computer’s screen saver is an oscillating dick (huh?). The climax entails the girls being gagged with light bulbs; and Kekko beating up the MFG in what would appear to be the director’s basement.

In evaluating any T&A movie, one must foremost consider the quality of the “T”, and to a lesser extent, the “A”. The actress who plays Kekko Kamen is pretty, but not quite hot (albeit, very naked). The Mayumi actress is cute, but really dopey looking, and not hot at all.

The powers-that-be would recast these 2 principal roles for the next 2 episodes. And with resounding success.....

Rating:


The Trailer (of Part 1, because that opening theme song is so damn catchy!)






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Thursday, October 23, 2008

Brighton Wok: The Legend of Ganja Boxing (Trailer)

Let's see what the Brits have done recently.

Made a zombie movie
Made an action comedy movie
Made a post apocalyptic Carpenter movie

So what's left for them to make?

Did you just say a ninja ganja boxing movie?

Correct-a-mundo!

I'm fuckin speechless by the trailer below. And I gotta admit, it looks so cheesy it may actually be good, or be a Adam Sandler movie which in other words it would suck monkey balls.

But the Brits track record so far is not too bad. But they're bound to fuck up. I mean a British spoof of ninja flicks? Well its the lower than a low budget flick.

What do you think?

Check out the trailer below and the official site and the Facebook site.





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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Strangers (Review)

The Strangers

The Strangers (2008)

Directed by Bryan Bertino


This version of yuppie torture-core is brought to you by Rogue Pictures.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

What you should have been watching if you wanted some yuppie torture was Ils (aka Them) which I ranked #5 on my Top 10 horror movies of 2007.

A French horror flick that had more jumpy scares and eerieness then the Strangers.

Yes the mood and the darkness set up the horror to come, but I was overly bored. Scott Speedman and Liv Tyler are just spazzy young white couple who I could give 2 shits about. The psychopaths are made to be wicked smart, like they went to the Yale of serial killer school, working the triangle offense and always being 20 steps ahead of our yuppies.

That to me is why it failed. I like my killers a little flawed. I always root for them to kill without mercy, you know take no fuckin prisoners.

But I expect them to fuck up. Give the victims a fighting chance. That's the cat and mouse game of a solid horror film. Sometimes the mouse gets away, sometimes the cat shreds the mouse up.

Didn't you all at one point wanted to see Tom totally fuck up Jerry by stabbing him repeatedly?

It all ended the same, but you really never knew did ya?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A young couple staying in an isolated vacation home are terrorized by three unknown assailants.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's first say Liv and Scott are both a bunch of pussies. After a botched up marriage proposal by James (Speedman) him and Kristen (Tyler) slowly get spooked by our three headed menace. We get the "stay here and hide" speech one too many times. You know Speedman is not as tough as he looks (hey this aint Underworld dude) and it's highly unlikely Liv Tyler is gonna go all Buffy here.

And then we see glimpses of our killers.

Dollface, Man in the Mask and Pin Up Girl.

These are our killers folks.

Really? Wow I was practically wetting myself when they were doing the following.

Oooooohhhh you got their phone!
That's so fuckin scary.

Oooooohhhhhh you crashed into their car with a fuckin Ford.
Why don't they just commit suicide?

Ooooooohhhh you made Speedman accidentally kill his friend.
I'm shitting bricks.

Ooooohhhhhh you smashed a radio.
You get the Jason Voorhees medal of valor.

Ooooohhhhhhh your masks are fuckin scary.
Awesome 99 cents store totally on clearance bargains!

Oooooohhhh you stab our yuppies in the stomach while their tied up.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

While I did admire the level of style this film has, and the killers motive of "Because you were home" is vague and utterly pointless, it still loses mucho horror points.

Remember, I'm the jaded viewer and I've seen the films you've copied from. Yeah this was written before Them but it wasn't written before fuckin Funny Games, Michael Haneke's ultra violent home invasion masterpiece (and I'm talking about the original, not the Watts/Roth American remake).

So yes, we must compare to the best home invasion horror film ever. And it doesn't even come close to the sicko fucked upness of Funny Games.

Alas, Halloween is coming up and your probably going to be looking for "scary movie". I've just listed 2 movies that you should rent or put to the top of your Netlfix queue.

If you really need your fix of yuppie toture-core, I'd bet my bloody OJ knife on those.

Gore-ipedia

Shotgun to the head
Knife to the stomach

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Some 10 secs of Liv Tyler soaking in the tub

WTF moment

Our killers unmask (though you don't see their faces)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I just read they are making part 2. Really? Seriously?

Some horror fans love this flick, some hate it. I'm in that Facebook group of "I hate this movie".
It's good enough for 1 spinkick. It's damn lucky to get even that.

I've got high standards for the home invasion movie. If you can't live up to it, don't even try.

Rating:


The Trailer




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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Worst Case Scenario (Trailer)

Perusing the trailers on other horror sites is part of the deal when running the jaded viewer. I only post trailers I find interesting.

So you won't see trailers for Saw V or some other Hollywood crap.

What you will see is the promotional teaser trailers for Gorehound Canned Film's Worst Case Scenario. Seems like the $$$ they we're getting from our pussy American companies fell thru, but I think they're now geared up and ready to go.

Yay for our Euro splatter counterparts across the pond.

The plot is making us gorehounds salivate....

This horror movie centers on the common friction between neighboring countries. It's a global phenomenon, and even in peaceful Western Europe you will find old grudges. If you dig deep enough.

In the final of the World Championship soccer games Holland and Germany are going to war. An American on a personal quest antagonizes a group of hooligans that chase him to a North Sea island. There awaits an opponent in a league of its own.

Aquatic Nazi Ghoul Zombies.

Nuff said.

Actually, that's not all. We get some awesome promo trailers!

Check both of them out below.

Promo Trailer #1





Promo Trailer #2







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Monday, October 20, 2008

Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds (Review)

Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds

Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds (3008)

Directed by John Gulager

Feast was #6 on my Top 10 horror movies of 2006. It took the typical horror stereotypes, ripped em to shreds and made a monster movie that was funny, sick and totally twisted.

Wash, rinse and repeat.

And now you get Feast 2. But this sequel still stinks of shit stains.

I really don't know what to make of it. It's got gore, pussing and oozing grossness and some funny one liners.

And it's still a yawnfest. How can they have screwed that up? Well let's see.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The monsters have made it into a small neighboring town in the middle of nowhere and the locals have to band with the survivors of the bar' slaughter to figure out how to survive.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Instead of me babbling on about how much this was disappointing, let's go through our 'types. Some die, some survive, but somehow I don't care.

The Regulars

1.) Honey Pie and Bartender

They're back from the original. They've got a killer fight scene that is pretty fucked up. When can you see a hot babe take on a McCain-ish geezer, and the geriatric wins.

Guest Stars

2.) Biker Queen and the Bleeders

They just didn't bring anything to the flick. Except gratuitous nudity. But then again it was biker lesbo gratuitous nudity. Oh well. I'll take whatever I can get.

3.) Greg and Secrets and Slasher

A menage o trois of looniness. Secrets (Slasher's wife) cheated on Slasher (a used carsalesman) with Greg (his coworker). Best of these three is Greg trying to be heroic and instead commits infanticide.

I mean he committed fuckin infanticide??!??!?

That was pretty sweet.



4.) Thunder and Lightning

Two little people (one a Mexican luchadore and the other a snarky Wee man) who kick ass. They love their grandma.

5.) The Monsters

OK let's see what I can remember. They have completely gone nuts, eating everything in sight, their penises flapping around and fucking animals.

Our survivors run alot. Watch survivors die and get eaten and then the movie ends abruptly so they can set up part 3.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Head decaps
Flesh shredding
Hammer head smashing
Ear ripping
Monster "bobitt-ing"
Monster autopsy which includes:
Organ grossness
Weird Eye slaughter
Monster vomit
Monster guts
Human vomit
Monster sperm
Decomposing grandma
Pipe thru the skull
Midget slaughter
Infanticide and baby devouring

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Biker babe boobies

WTF moment

I did mention infanticide right?


The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

There were some decent moments. But all in all, I was bored. As they filmed this movie back to back with Feast 3: The Happy Finish, maybe they saved all the good stuff for the final movie.

If you're into the Feast series, it's probably mandatory to watch this. But the hype was for not.

Maybe the next set of horror stereotypes will be more entertaining. And with the rumor of monster-human hybrids, it may actually be worth 2 shits.

Wash, rinse and repeat.

Rating:


The Trailer




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Friday, October 17, 2008

Kekko Kamen (Review)

[It's Kekko Kamen Fridays!!! Thanks to Insano Steve, for the next few Fridays we'll have a review of the Kekko Kamen series, a sleazy, Skinemaxish superhero movies straight from the headquarters of the strange, Japan. Insano Steve spared no expense in fleshing out the movies and you'll find his reviews stimulating and penetrating. Pun so intended!]

Kekko Kamen

Kekko Kamen (NEW!) (2004)

Directed by Takafume Nagamine

Japan is a country with no natural resources. It's basically a bunch of barren rocks floating in salt water. But the Japanese have made the most of this unfortunate situation by working 18-hour work days and maintaining a conservative culture. This obviously takes a toll on the Japanese psyche so there must be some outlet for these repressed overworked souls.

Hello Hentai!

Hentai is the happy collision of cartoons and pornography.

The Japanese really love their hentai because:

1) They're perverts.

2) One resource they have is great imaginations. Japan is the most technologically advanced nation in the world. They can't just watch the same old porn over and over.

3) They are youth-obsessed. Hello-Kitty/J-Pop crap is a freaking big deal there. And so are cartoons.

Let's take a look at my favorite hentai (well hentai minus the penetration), the wonderful Kekko Kamen. This was an anime that was ironically turned into a series of live-action movies.

Kekko Kamen (which means "Big Tit Avenger" in English), is the story of a girl, Mayumi, who attends the boarding school, "Toenail of Satan's Spartan Institute of Higher Education".

The school is run by sexual deviants (the ManGriffons/MFG) who use the school to grope, peep, molest and torture the students for their own sexual gratification (hey, like the Catholic Church!).

The students' only protection from the pervs is Kekko Kamen. Our heroine wears only red boots, a mask (with rabbit ears!), gloves, scarf, and her trusted nunchakus. So she's always fully frontally nude.

Oh Yeah!

Her special attack is her flying headscissor move, the "Muffication", which works by asphyxiating her enemy with her radioactive vagina. Kekko’s civilian identity is the one non-pervert teacher at the school. Though this is not technically pornography, it is certainly perverted (in a good way of course) and plenty of fun.

Here's a rundown of the first film in the series Kekko Kamen.

Kekko Kamen has the best theme song ever. All movies start and end with this super-catchy theme. My favorite line is "Nobody knows her face, but everybody knows her nipples". That's good shit.

These movies are like only 70 minutes long and have a budget of maybe $200 each. Somehow, they make it work. That’s Japanese efficiency (we have much to learn).

In this episode, Mayumi is attending "Anchorwoman School" for aspiring tele-journalists. Sadly, Mayumi is kinda dumb so she gets punished by being tied up and whipped half-naked on a rocking horse.

There's also some forced extreme teeth brushing (don’t ask).

Later on, Kekko saves Mayumi from a sexually charged eel attack. She also returns all the panties that the school had been harvesting from the student body.

Alas, Mayumi does not get to be an anchorwoman and the ManGriffons escape with the help their teleporter (which is shaped like a dick).

Rating:


The Trailer






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Thursday, October 16, 2008

Vacancy 2 (Trailer)


I gotta admit. I liked Vacancy. It was #10 on my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2007. Crazy motel, resilient couple, snuff PPVs and some crazed maniac killers.

So you knew they'd make a sequel. But in this incarnation, we get a prequel instead.
Prequel huh?

I do want to see the poor victims on those videotapes get slaughtered.

You know for sure the it's not going to be a happy ending.

Check out the trailer below.






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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

UGO's Top 50 Hotties of Horror

Kudos to UGO.com for creating a top 50 list of mega hottie scream queens. You gotta love blood soaked tank tops, tummy cleavage and gratuitous heavy artillery.

I love Juno from the Descent. Exotic, beautiful and totally fucked up.

Check out the other 49.

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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Midnight Meat Train (Review)

The Midnight Meat Train

The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

Directed by Ryuhei Kitamura

Every once in a while, Lion's Gate will poop out a movie worth 2 shits under it's horror label.

Fuck Saw V.

The Midnight Meat Train is that movie.

Wow, just a truly awesome-tastic horror gem. Possibly one of the best horror movies of the year.

So what did you need to pull of this feat?

You needed legendary Versus/Alive/Azumi director Ryuhei Kitamura. You needed a short story from horror writer Clive Barker (this little gem was a short from his Books of Blood series), a nifty screenplay by Jeff Buhler and some love from the horror community.

No thanks to Lion's Gate who decided to midnight movie and dollar themed this flick into theatrical oblivion.

But they did put up the loot.

TMMT is going to be a super duper horror cult classic, where it will play at midnight shows because people will WANT to see it. It hits all the right notes, leaving everybody scarred, bruised, sliced and diced and ultimately fuckin dead.

Rock on.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A photographer hunts down a serial killer. Based on Clive Barker's short story "Midnight Meat Train"

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Leon (Bradley Cooper) is a struggling photographer who wants to caption the essence of a vague metro city. Encouraged by his girlfriend Maya (Leslie Bibb who's quite a hotty) ,his friend Jurgis (Robert Bart) and a gallery artist played by Brooke Shields he ventures out to the city subway system to get gritty photos of life untouched.

We venture with Leon as he unravels the puzzle of a mysterious butcher (Vinnie Jones), who he follows and eventually witnesses the madman as he kills passengers on the train.

Why is he doing this?

Could it be he was bullied when he was young?
A mysterious tape he watched?
Does he want to show his victims that life is meaningful by creating elaborate traps?
Or is it some other bullshit motive?

Nah. It's fuckin fun.

Well he does have a real motive but that's not revealed til the "gotcha" ending. And I'm more than happy that the motive was told to me at the end. It would just have gotten in the way of the awesome scenes of carnage by our crazy butcher killer.

And we get plenty of them. Gorehounds refuckin joice. So many great scenes of slaughter it was horror-gasms one right after another. Decaps here, beheadings over there. Meat hook traumas, ocular traumas, you'd think you were watching fast food nation.

All mega major horror cylinders were hit. So synchronized to perfection. And we have to thank Kitamura and Barker for being on their game on this one.

Let's start with Kitamura. What you loved about Versus, Alive and Azumi are all blended into a liquid shake of horror gooeyness. Offbeat angles, frenzy camera work and hyper kinetic movement are all in play. Scenes are set up like Edward Munch like paintings. A cinematographer's wet dream.

A POV shot of a kill is done so well, I was cheering like I hit a game winning shot.

In the climatic final action sequence, the camera moves from in the subway car, to out of it, then back in all the while still capturing the gory fight.

The film paces nicely, chiming in with dialogue to push the plot but then making the audience engulfed in the suspense. Yes, people get chased, people hide from our dastardly killer. It's all cat and mouse, but most of the scenes Kitamura shows us are the cat totally fucking up the mice.

Poor mice.

Clive Barker's story is cleverly classic Barker. Like a good book, it's all about the buildup until the end where we are given an explanation and an ending that turns everything upside down. I realized what the ending would be 30 minutes in, but it's still pretty mini decent.

But the scene stealer has got to be the menace that is Vinnie Jones. He plays the killer butcher (he's credited as Mahogany) to a tee. A Gump like, suit wearing, leather bag carrying killer who remains SILENT throughout the flick.

His main weapon of choice: a meat pounder and hook.

And boy does he do a lot of fuckin damage with it.

TMMT just reinvigorated my horror adrenaline and cravings. It's by far one of the best horror movies of the year. And the sad part is not a lot of people are going to be able to see this little masterpiece until Lion's Gate releases it on DVD.

But if you get a chance to go to a midnight showing or dollar theatre matinee, support this little gem. It's worth more than a dollar, that's for sure.

Influences

Clive Barkers novels and short stories
80s classic horror
Grindhouse horror tinged movies

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Meat hammer trauma
3D Ocular trauma
Meat hook to the balls
Decapitations
Barnacle gooyness
Human butchery
Stab wound to the neck
Knife through the mouth
Gunshot through the eye
Arm decaps
Leg decaps
Gallons of blood
Slicing and dicing
GORE GORE GORE!!!!

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

A side boob from Leslie Bibb
Some dead victim boobies

WTF moment

That POV kill scene (it was soooooooooo good)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I'm blushing. It's so refreshing to see a movie that crosses the line, draws a new line then crosses that one too. I hope Kitamura goes the Takashi Miike route and dabbles making a couple of english language movies.

It's been so long since we had a Clive Barker fueled horror film, I think we now have to support Book of Blood as well.

OK, I'm going to go ahead and fuckin say it. The Midnight Meat Train is one of the Top 5 horror movies of 2008.

Now support this little turd so we can get more of the same.

Rating:


The Trailer



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Monday, October 13, 2008

Rewind: The Greatest Martial Arts Fighting Tournament Movie Ever Made

[originally posted on leftoverthoughts.com on 7/7/02]

The Greatest Martial Arts Fighting Tournament Movie Ever Made

Part I


What movie are the following quotes from?

"OK USA!"
"You Jackson?? You look like a Jackson."

"You are NEXT!"

"You break my record, now I break you, like I break your friend!"

"Very good. But brick not hit back!"

"Time to separate the men from the boys."

"Just be sure Chong Li doesn't separate your head from you body."

"Don't make us use fifty-thousand volts on you, Frank."

"What the hell's a Dim Mac?"

"Aren't you a little young for full contact?"
"Aren't you a little old for video games?"

"Yes, Hong Kong is a very exciting city."

"No, It's Dux"
"Yeah like put up your dukes? Right?"
"Someday, I'm going to fight in the Kumite and make my father proud"
"
I'm glad your on our side kid"

"No.....bottom one"


So many more quotes to list. I could go on and on. If you haven't guessed already, all these quotes are from the greatest movie ever...and i mean ever made about a secret illegal human cockfighting tournament.

It's Bloodsport!

Starring Jean Claude Van Damme as Frank Dux. This is the movie that started the martial arts tournament video game craze. This is the movie that spawned Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat and countless other fighting games.

If they had only made Bloodsport into a video game. Look at the characters you would have gotten to play with.

1.) Frank Dux: He would have probably been the best player in the game. A cross b/w Ken and Ryu. No fireballs though. Only a Dim Mak.
Finishing Move: Spin Kick

2.) Chong Li: He should be the best character. He would be Gen. Bison like. Ultimately he would kick and kill everybody in the game.
Finishing move: Some sort of death my punch in the face move

3.) Ray Jackson: Dux's Hell's Angel friend. (Donald Gibb was Ogre in "Revenge of the Nerds")

4.) Hossein: He was Dux's first win int he Kumite.

5.) Paco: Dux beat him in the semifinals.

6.) Prang: Chong Li killed him in the semifinals (i think)

7.) Tanaka: Dux's Shidoshi (teacher)

Other fighters that could have been in the game

8.) Hiro
9.) Oshima
10.) Shingo (Dux's childhood friend that died)
11.) Gustafson
12.) Toon
13.) Chuan
14.) Parades
15.) Pumola
16.) Morra
17.) Yasuda
18.) Cocard
19.) Luu
20.) Aussie

At least 20 fighters could have been in this game. Alas, there were no Playstation's, Xboxes or GameCubes back in 1988. The least they can do now is put this movie on DVD.

Also there are so many unanswered questions in this movie. But that will be covered in Part 2.

Part II

On to my nitpicky, but thought provoking questions about Van Damme, Bloodsport, the Kumite, etc.?

1.) Some people say the Kumite fighters were matched up as red belts versus yellow belts? Is this true?

2.) How did Ray Jackson get an invitation to the Kumite? I mean are the Hell's Angels on the invite list of the Kokoruki Clan?

3.) If the Kumite is so secret how come the blonde reporter knew about it?

4.) Does anybody have or knows of the bracket/match system for the Kumite? How many competitors actually were invited? Did certain fighters get bye's into the quarters?

[Early this year, somebody on Wikipedia actually did it. Check it out.]

5.) We all know Chong Li was not North Korean. However is throwing Fuji dust legal in the Kumite? It must be, the ref saw it. Could Chong Li have used weapons? Say some numchucks were tossed onto the ramp, could he have beaten up Dux w/ it?

6.) How did they post those fighter signs and world record signs so fast? Are there time keepers? I mean is there a Kumite historian watching the fight? Can I meet this guy?

7.) The Kumite ref is freakin useless. It's full contact. No rules. I mean Chong Li killed a guy. I think the ref should have penalized Chong Li. At least given him a warning if he killed anybody else he would be disqualified or at least fined.

8.) You'd think the Hong Kong police would be quite suspicious that all these grown, musclehead men (many of them Westerners) were turning up in the hospital with bruises, broken bones and psychological trauma. Were they bribed? Do they have an alliance with the police?

9.) What happened to Tanaka's kid?

The kid who said: 'One day I'm gonna fight in the Kumite and make my father proud."

He mysteriously died. Did those bullies beat him up like the day after Dux saved him. And then Tanaka adopted Dux. What did Dux's parents have to say about this? Tanaka was torturing Dux and making him do household chores, cleaning, serving tea. We have a right to know.

10.) Finally, If the next Kumite is held in 2003 (it's held every 5 years) will there be Bloodsport: The Return? Van Damme has to make this. He must make this. We need this film. Somebody should inform Van Damme that Daniel Bernhardt ruined his breakthrough movie.

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Friday, October 10, 2008

UGO's Sexy Halloween Costumes (Foxy Fans: Halloween Edition)

I can't resist a girl dressed as Alice.... yum.

Check out all the photos......

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Thursday, October 09, 2008

After Dark Horrorfest III: 2009

After Dark Horrorfest 2009 is shaping up to be very interesting.

It's scheduled from January 9th to January 15th, 2009.

The confirmed list of movies are below.

1.) The Broken
2.) Slaughter aka Faithless
3.) Perkins 14
4.) Butterfly Effect: Revelation
5.) From Within
6.) Dying Breed
7.) Autopsy
8.) TBD

I'm kinda psyched up Perkins 14.

For all plot summaries check out Bloody Disgusting's summary page.

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