Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Train (Trailer)

It's Hostel on a train!!!! Yup that's what Train is about. Supposedly a remake of Terror Train, the movie is now its own and chocked full of gory tidbits and full fleshy nudity. Currently at NC-17 because of extreme splatter and boobies, this may be quite a flick.

Plot.................

In Europe, a group of American college athletes unknowingly board a train that will become one deadly ride

Hopefully, Thora Birch will partake in the nude-fest but she'll probably be running away from the maniac nutzoid killers. Back to Bratislava!!!

Check out the trailer below.







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Monday, September 29, 2008

Splinter (Trailer)

Hollywood horror is lacking on the monster/beast horror movies of old. I mean I'm not asking for killer, mutant 50 foot tall radioactive ants, but give me a killer monster and I'm cool.

So after watching the trailer for Splinter, we could actually get something Feast-like with Mist-ish qualities and The Host like craziness.

Or it could be a turd in a toilet.

Plot is dumb-esque.

A young couple has retreated to the wilderness for a romantic camping weekend-but the trip quickly spirals into a nightmare when they are car-jacked by an escaped convict and his girlfriend. Thrown together by chance, no one can imagine the terrifying horror that awaits the two couples at a remote and isolated gas station.

Check out the trailer below.





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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Snuff: A Documentary About Killing On Camera (Trailer)

Snuff: A theoretical genre that depicts the death or murder of a person or people without the aid of special effects for the purpose of distribution and entertainment.

Ever since I watched Guinea Pig: Devil's Experiment which people thought was an actual snuff film, you always have to wonder if such a thing really exists.

I did watch the pseudo snuff film: Snuff and that was laughable but I guess it wasn't back in the 70s.

I mean even Charlie Sheen thought he was seeing snuff when he's saw Devil's Experiment.

8MM and Thesis are movies that have a snuff related plots. But most people are squeamish when they talk about the pornography of violence.

So its interesting when filmmakers make a documentary about the subject. One of these such docs is called Snuff: A Documentary About Killing On Camera.

You can check out the trailer below and a clip of the first5 minutes. Also, here's another documentary called Does Snuff Exist? which you can watch in its entirety by clicking here.

So does snuff exist? Fuck if I know. But in this Web 2.0 viral video You Tube age, anything is possible.

The Trailer








The first 5 minutes






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Monday, September 22, 2008

Rule of Three (Review)

Rule of Three

Rule of Three (2008)

Directed by Eric Shapiro

Is Tiffany Shepis in every indie and horror movie this year?

I'm watching Rule of Three via Fantestic Fest Online and poof! there she is. And what else would she be playing but a hot vixen. And it's a most appropriate role and scene.

And what an awesome scene it was (we'll get to that in a second).

But the nitty gritty deal of Rule of Three is it's not a horror movie but more like a film noir, a mystery that looks more like a Broadway play than an actual motion picture.

Because in movies, shit happens on screen, movies show scenes and action that could NOT happen on a stage. Who makes a movie where it takes place in one place (in this case a motel room) and all they do is talk?

But it works...slightly.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A suspenseful film-noir that takes place at three points in time within a single motel room, viewing the events before, during, and after a college graduate's abduction.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

OK lets review this little indie flick shall we?

As the plot says, we have three distinct points of the movie.

1.) A father and his wife who are looking for their missing daughter (NOW)
2.) A young college couple who are looking for a menage a trois (BEFORE)
3.) A middle aged man looking to score with his distraught female friend with some narcotics (BEFORE THE BEFORE)

Ala time shifting, the movie puts the movie in non chronological order which paces it pretty well for a 85 min movie. As we view into the NOW part, the acting by the father (Ben Siegler) who is determined to find his daughter is very gritty and real that it sets up his scenes nicely.

But it's the young college couple scenes (BEFORE) that are absurdly interesting. Lo (Rhoda Jordan) who is black and Jake (Cary Woodworth) who is white are totally porno-ing inside the motel room. They want to get a threesome going (because it's every guy's dream come true) and they have conversations that are generally witty and keep the scenes flowing. Soon, Jake finds someone who might be willing and she says she's into it. Score!

And booyah! we get some naked Tiffany Shepis. But of course we don't see the good shit which is most unfortunate. It seems not everything turns out like a Vivid Video flick and everybody involved is ultimately scarred (emoitionally and physically)

Then the movie turns into some surreal territory where we have a middle aged dude tries to score roofies from a drug dealer so he can score with his bestest best female friend.

Shit hits the fan and people die.

The movie ends on an ominous twist which doesn't really fit the rest of the movie but intertwines all three points. Nothing M. Nighty, but a wicked curveball that makes you go "thats fucked up dude".

Not much more to say. I didn't love this movie and I didn't hate it. I was a little intrigued by the buildup but I knew the payoff would be non existent. This is an average flick as average flicks go.

Influences

Film Noirs
Mystery movies
Thriller movies
Tape (that movie with Uma and Ethan)
Brick

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Not a drop of blood

Nude-ipedia

YES!!! Tiffany Shepis goes all full frontal for us. But for like 8 seconds.

WTF moment

The twist at the end. It really made me go "WHAT THE FREAKIN FUCK?" (That doesn't mean it made it good)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

A very lo fi, indie movie that bubbles up some suspense and really gets you involved in the movie. But the low budget somehow prevented it from going away from the motel room and creating more tension and scenes that could have made this movie boil and be really good.

Good first effort by Eric Shapiro who is the author of books 'Days of Allison' and 'It's Only Temporary'.

It reminded me of Brick (which I really liked). It's a movie that's as average as could be, but if you get a chance, watch it. It's different and it's unique. That's worth 2 spinkicks in my book.

Rating:

The Trailer:





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Friday, September 19, 2008

Treevenge (Review)

Treevenge

Treevenge (2008)

Directed by Jason Eisener

Short films are sometimes a hit or miss. But one does come along that works perfectly as a short.

And that short is Treevenge directed by Jason Eisener.

Treevenge is one of the short films online now at the AMD Fantastic Fest Online.

What Treevenge should be called is Treepocalypse. A horror short that works perfectly as a horror-omedy.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Pine tree "victims" get massively "killed" and sold to the human murderers. But the trees get the last laugh.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

It's a 15 minute short but it's perfectly paced. The familiar eerie Cannibal Holocaust intro music opens up the first scene. The first 10 minutes are the slaughter of our little pine trees. The lumberjacks are evil, maniacally laughing as they chainsaw, ax and chop down these poor, defenseless trees.

Our tree victims talk in "tree talk" some sort of gibberish, baby squealing. Subtitles are added for us to hear them question why they are being holocausted to death.

It is the funniest thing I've seen this month.

Our trees are sold off for the holidays to families, couples unknown to them the trees are plotting their revenge.

Then they mock the trees by decorating them with shit. How much more can the trees take? It's like they are in Abu Gharib. What's next? Waterboarding the trees?

On Christmas morning, the human scum get all fucked up.

And the last 6 minutes are just awesome bloody slaughter. Totally the funniest splatter and gore in a short I've ever seen. From ocular trauma to infanticide. Each gory death made me say yay. (See the Goreipedia for a list of the kills)

The ha ha's are totally clever. We are portrayed as genocidal deviants and the ending makes me want to get an artificial tree for the holidays.

You gotta see this. And it's free. Treevenge is treeFUN!

Influences

Cannibal Holocaust
Horror-omedyies

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Little girl get mauled by the killer tree
Cat gets decapitated
Christmas Star to the neck trauma
DOUBLE OCULAR TRAUMA!!!
Leg amputation
TREE RAPE!!!!
INFANT - FUCKIN - CIDE!!!
A TREE STOMPING A FUCKIN BABY'S HEAD!!!!
Tree Holocaust

Nude-ipedia

I think I saw boobies.

WTF moment

A TREE STOMPED ON A FUCKIN BABY'S HEAD!!!!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The AMD Fantastic Fest Online is from Sept 14th to Sept. 20th. Treevenge is one of the 10 films you can watch online now for FREE.

You just need to register.

If Treevenge is the start of Jason Eisener's film career, he's off to a great start. It'll make you think, really hard, next time you want to buy that next Christmas tree.

Click here for more info about the fest.

Rating:

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Thursday, September 18, 2008

Black Devil Doll (DVD Release Date)

Black Devil Doll comes out on December 31st!!!

Details for the DVD have come out.

• Audio commentary by the Lewises and their crew
• Audio commentary by the cast
• Audio commentary by the Black Devil Doll!
• Behind-the-scenes footage
• Still gallery

The first 1,000 DVDs purchased from blackdevildoll.com will receive two free collector's items:

• New BLACK DEVIL DOLL poster featuring new artwork from Stephen Romano

• BLACK DEVIL DOLL soundtrack CD with music by Giallos Flame

Check out the official site for more information!


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Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Chocolate (Review)

Chocolate

Chocolate (2008)

Directed by Prachya Pinkaew

Prachya Pinkaew, the director of awesome-rific films Ong Bak and Tom Yum Goong , is the reigning king of action cinema.

And Chocolate again shows why guns and shootouts are fuckin overrated.

It's been a while since a full out martial arts flick totally blew me away.

JeeJa Yanin is breathtaking as Zen, an autistic girl who accumulates her martial arts skills by watching who else...Tony Jaa. Her muay thai skills are unfuckinbelievable and as always, there are no stunt doubles and all the action stunts you see are as is. The outtakes are at the end.

Fuck the plot and any character development. It's totally irrelelevant. What you came here to see is non stop muay thai choreography at its finest. This is vintage Jackie Chan (ala Police Story) with stunts, jumps, flips and the backround as weaponry.

Boring Plot-O-Matic (thanks IMDB)

An autistic woman with powerful martial art skills looks to settle her ailing mother's debts by seeking out the ruthless gangs that owe her family money.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

OK. The plot above is why all these elaborate fight scenes develop. Zen and her cousin need money to help her mom buy badly needed medicine. They first use Zen's autistic skills via a ball toss exhibition. But they know they need more cash so they seek out the local gang owned businesses that owe her mom money. This soon ticks off the crime overlord and soon he's on their tail.

Zen also loves chocolate M&M's (hence the title), loves her Teddy Bear and has a fear of flies. This all comes into play during whats to play out.

But really that was all irrelevant.

For this review, for all intended purposes, is to grade each of the fight scenes on a number grade from 1 to 10 with 1 being shitty to 10 being fuckin awesome.

So let's get started.

1.) Hoodrats fight scene

Some teenage hoodrats test Zen's catching skills with a knife. She then uses an arsenal of mimicked Tony Jaa moves to go all Ong Bak on them. This was 18 minutes in and you get a good taste of whats to come. Like some chicken wings as an appetizer. You know it's going to get better.

Rating - 6.0

2.) Ice Factory fight scene

After a anime moment of clarity and 33 minutes in, we get the ice factory fight scene. Wow. Totally awesome. Zen shows off her mega lightning kicks and disposes of henchman without a sweat. Blocks of ice can't stop our little Zen.

Rating - 7.5

3.) Warehouse fight scene

38 minutes in, Zen is in full effect. She's using the warehouse as a weapon of mass destruction. Slipping in through tight spots and using lockers, chairs and cardboard boxes as a playground of weaponry, it's a beautiful thing to watch.

Spinkicks, swipe kicks, flying backward spin kicks, flying splits and a few comedy kicks to boot. And the climax is a slide under a glass table that only Zen could pull off. FUCK YEAH!!! Poor henchman. Why do they keep trying?

Rating - 8.0

4.) Meat Factory/Butchery fight scene

Does Zen have a weakness? Well remember that fear of flies? Well Houston, we have a problem. But thanks to her cousin whose there with a electronic fly swatter, problem solved.

45 minutes in, we are going to see meat cleavers and knives and a spinkick-palooza. Never has a butchery ever been so critical to some ass kicking. A few sporadic funny ha ha's during the fight scene with some elbows to the head make this one of the most entertaining fight scenes ever. The stunt team is so critical to the action. They are the one's getting hit and they are getting hit really fuckin hard. Kudos to them.

Rating - 8.0

5.) Rooftop restaurant fight scene (with Mini boss #1!)

Let's just list some fragmented action highlights. Elbows through the head. Knees to the face. Some acrobatic kicks to the face. A fight scene that takes place with Zen crouched down under some pipes. All this climaxes to a knee to the head that is without a doubt the best I've ever seen.

Rating - 9.0


6.) Restaurant dojo fight scene

No holds barred as we get an onslaught of henchman for Zen to kick the shit out off. This is muay thai action at its finest. All the kicks and elbows and punches are perfectly timed. The flips and jumps all choreographed without any flaws. 360 spinkicks to the back of of the head. Just beautiful. A knee to the face in awesome-rific slo mo. Oh yeah.

And we're not even done!!!

Because the next scene is probably the most politically incorrect thing you'll ever see in an action movie. BUT WHO FUCKIN CARES!!! IT'S FUCKIN AWESOME!!!!


BIG SPOILER BELOW!!!!

Zen has to face off against the crime lord's biggest weapon yet. An autistic mini boss #2!!!!

This dude in glasses and an Adidas track suit has some autism too and he's as spazzy as can be. Plus he's got this breakdancing muay thai style she's never seen. Zen gets her ass kicked but she uses her snapshot focused brain to mimic her enemy. Soon she's spazzing and kicking mini boss #2 unconcious. The finishing move is just totally unbelievable. Bless all stunt wire work!!!

You have see this to believe it.
SO AWESOME I THINK I WET MYSELF.

END BIG SPOILER!!!!

But it's not over yet. We get a samurai sword-palooza and soon Zen has snapshot her dad's moves to eliminate this threat.

Which then leads too...........


Rating - 9.5

7.) Side of the building fight scene
(FINAL BOSS SCENE!!)

This is single handidly the best fight scene on the side of a building EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zen has to chase final boss through a parade of fire escapes, neon signs and the side of a train platform. It perfectly plays out. Because you know henchmen are gonna fall down some 2 stories...badly.

A great way to end the film. The final fight scene is everything you wanted it to be. Such killer stunts and action sequences, I can't believe they accomplished all of this in less than 90 minutes.

Rating - 10.0

Influences

Are you kidding me? Prachya Pinkaew and his stunt team are their own influence on other films.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

This ain't horror son.

Nude-ipedia

Dude, this ain't horror.

WTF moment

The spoiler scene listed above. I lost my shit when I saw it. So awesome.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This may be the first movie I may give 5 spinkicks too. But I'll give it 4 plus an extra spinkick for being so awesome. Non existent plot and motive plus the fact that the last 30 minutes were all action makes this one of the best films of 2008. Chocolate hit on all cylinders of what it was suppose to be. A non stop action sequence from start to finish.

Now top that Tony Jaa.

Rating:
plus one more for being awesome

Check out the trailer below (with English subs!)



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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Feast 2 (Trailer)

I loved the first Feast flick. I ranked it #6 on my annual Top 10 Horror movies of 2006. Who knew a Project Greenlight movie could actually be good?

So I'm kinda psyched for Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds. The trailer looks wild, surreal and ambigious.

Oh oh.

Check it out below.





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Monday, September 15, 2008

They Wait (Review)

They Wait

They Wait (2007)

Directed by Ernie Barbarash

After watching the opening scene of They Wait and after the intro credits started to roll, up came the foreboding credit of:

Executive Producer

Uwe Boll

I should have just shut off the movie right then and there. But I knew what I was getting into. I knew a film based on Chinese mythos and ghost stories would be your typical The Ring-like dash and scare.

But dammit, it had the hotness that is Jaime King. And the there's this clip I saw where she gets into the shower and gets spooked. So I spent the next 80 minutes hoping that this would turn into a very good American remake ala The Ring.

And I kept waiting. And waiting. And freakin waiting.

I'm still fuckin waiting.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A young mother and her six-year-old son come face to face with the mysteries of two murders and a great crime against the Chinese community into which they have recently arrived from Shanghai.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Before I review, let me answer all your most important and pertinent questions about this flick.

1.) Are you telling me that in They Wait, Jaime King is married to a Chinese dude?

A: Fuck yeah. Kudos to the filmmakers for making all Asian guys think they have a chance to score with Jaime King.

2.) So you're telling me when some Chinese dude and Jaime King have an offspring, it looks like a 100% Chinese kid?

A: Yes. Not even a hint of any Caucasian genes is in this kid. Look at the pic below. Is that kid even look like he's from a mixed marriage?????

3.) OK, I just want to watch this movie because I heard there is a Jaime King shower scene. Does she get naked?

A: Well naked is a relative term. It looks like she is naked, but you don't see shit. It's like the Jessica Alba scene in The Eye. Fuckin big tease. Check out the scene here.

4.) So just tell me already, this is like the Ring right?

A: Yup. Hot blonde with son tries to stop a ancient spirits of evil from killing her family. She needs to uncover the deep dark secret the family has covered up so that the spirits can rest. Yada yada yada.

5.) Are you sure the hot blonde isn't Sarah Michelle Gellar?

A: Hold on let me check the DVD box again.......nope. It's Jaime King.

6.) I read other reviews and they said there were scary moments and big chills. Is that true?

A: Those people are fuckin idiots. This wouldn't scare an ass out of a hole.

7.) Is this film Canadian?

A: Yeah. Hey. Hosers.

8.) Is there any gore or splatter that would make this film even worth putting on my Netflix queue?

A: Let's see. A tree bleeds. Meat cleaver in the head. Some bones and skulls. Nothing that I can think of.

9.) Will there ever be a good Asian movie that can be remade for Western audiences?

A: Not really. You might as well rent or buy the originals. Read the english subtitles. It's not going to kill you. These movies were made for their core audience for that particular country. They are on the most basic levels movies about the fear of the supernatural in all of us. Wow that sounded like a real review.

10.) So what exactly are they waiting for?

A: I think for the movie to end.

To sum it up, Jaime King basically emotes alot and tries to rid her 100% Chinese son from these demons. A few CGI scares and some flashbacky ending later, you really can't believe this was a DVD movie and not some episode of Fear Itself or a segement of Masters of Horror.

Influences

The Ring
The Grudge
Every other J-horror movie
Every other Thai-horror movie
Every other Chinese-horror movie

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

A hatchet through the head (didn't I write that already?)

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

So close to seeing some Jaime King boobies. But trust me, in a few years we'll be seeing her do Skinemax soon enough.

WTF moment

Why didn't I just turn this off in the beginning?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I really should have shut off the flick after seeing the gratuitous Jaime King shower scene. But I was so intrigued by the premise that she was married to this Chinese dude and had a kid that was 100% Chinese I kept watching. I thought they'd explain it. Like it was a kid from the husband's 1st marriage or that he was adopted. I wanted a fuckin explanation for this.

So I kept waiting. And waiting.

Trust me, you don't want to wait this fuckin long.

Rating:

The Trailer:





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Friday, September 12, 2008

Chuck Palahniuk's Snuff (Book Trailers)

I've recently started reading Chuck Palahniuk's new book Snuff. The infamous author of Fight Club, Diary and new soon to be released made into a movie Choke, has come out thrusting at full speed in this new book. I mean it was inevitable he'd write about this subject. C'mon, you knew he'd write about porn at some point didn't ya?

Plot (thanks Wikipedia)

Cassie Wright, porn priestess, intends to cap her legendary career by breaking the world record for serial fornication porn movies. On camera. With six hundred men. Snuff unfolds through the perspectives of Mr. 72, Mr. 137, Mr. 600, and Wright's personal assistant, Sheila. With his satirical narrative and thorough research, Chuck Palahniuk reveals through these four characters the little-known facts and histories of not only pornography and sexual deviance, but also acting and life in and out of the spotlight, and throughout the novel shows the rarely acknowledged presence of pornography in modern America.

What's more clever are the fake movie trailers of Cassie Wright promoting the new book. Really funny play on some holly-porn movies.

Check out these hilarious trailers below.

"The Wizard of Ass - Dorothy is Not a Virgin Anymore"




"Chitty Chitty Gang Bang"




"Twilight Bone"




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Thursday, September 11, 2008

Remember September 11, 2001

I'm a born and raised New Yorker. That's where I get my jadedness from. The gritty, never say never attitude. However, on the 7th anniversary of 9/11, I get a tad wee emotional. I was in Manhattan that day and I know first hand what it was like. I walked over a bridge to get home, scared shitless.

Take a look to the faces of the victims who lost their lives.

And do something if you want.

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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Religulous (Trailer)

With election-mania well under way, I'd like to now tell you what my political affiliation is.

Ready?

I'm a horror-crat. Also referred to as a jadedpublican.

Both parties are fucked up. But documentaries about religion are funny. And that's whre Bill Maher comes in.

Real Time with Bill Maher is some good shit. Definitely Daily Show-ish with some Colbert Report and a dash of the Awful Truth.

Bill Maher's doc-hmm maybe more like mockumentary looks to offend more Christians, Jews, Muslums and Hindus than any film...well ever.

Check out the trailer.






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Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Stephen King's The Stand Comic (Preview)


Admit it. You watched the cheesy, over the top miniseries that was on NBC because you didn't want to read the long ass book. Well no need to watch Rob Lowe and Gary Sinise in that abomination, because Marvel put it in comic book form for all us slackers.

UGO.com has a sneak peek at the first 6 pages of the first chapter.

Check out this exclusive preview.

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Monday, September 08, 2008

The Films of Alejandro Jodorowsky

He's made only half a dozen films but like Stanley Kubrick, the body of work of his films cannot be denied.

They are cinematic experimental, avante garde and magical realism masterpieces.

You may not agree with that conclusion. But the scope of Jodorowsky work is summed up as surreally bizarre with a touch of insanity.

From a western with mythic overtones to serial killers finding religion, it's a world like no other.

If anything, millenials should Netflix the following films to understand why Jodorowsky is important.

El Topo, The Holy Mountain and Sante Sangre are truly works of cinematic astonishments that deserve more art house viewings instead of being relegated to midnight showings.

The clips and trailers below, I hope, can give you a taste of what is, and hopefully that will be enough for a full course meal.

1.) Fando Y Lis (1968)





2.) El Topo (1970)





3.) The Holy Mountain (1973)





4.) Santa Sangre (1989)





5.) The Rainbow Thief (1990)

No trailer available


King Shot is supposedly Jodorowsky next film after 3 decades of film hibernation. Hopefully we will see more of the same.

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Friday, September 05, 2008

Sukeban Boy (Trailer)

Bless all that is Japanese cinema! From Noburu Iguchi, director of the infamous the Machine Girl comes Oira sukeban aka Sukeban Boy.

Holy fuckin cow. This movie is totally off the wall, wacky, absurd and giga-wattagely powered.

Read the plot below and let me know if you can make heads or tails or whatever out of it.

Sukeban has a problem. This foulmouthed, hard-fighting son of a biker, has been cursed with the looks of a pop princess. The looks lead to teasing, the teasing leads to fighting, The fighting leads to expulsions. Expulsions from every boy's high school in the region. What's a biker who's nurturing conflicted feelings for his gender-confused child to do in such a situation? Simple! Dress the boy up as a girl and enroll him in an all-girls high school. But girls' schools are strange, disturbing places and, within a day of arriving, Sukeban has been signed up for humiliation classes and forced to do battle with the various school gangs: the Pantyhose Club, the No Bra Club, and of course, the Full Frontal League.

I love the fact the the Japanese AV women can be in these wacky films showing us their "ass" ets.

OK now for the good shit. I will probably never get my hands on a copy of this flick, so thankfully some fellow jaded viewers have put almost the entire film on YouTube.

Now we can all watch (because really, who wants to watch an entire 60 minute flick right?)

First check out the trailer.





Now check out the opening scene (vomitly delicious!)





Now check out the pantyhose gang (i love those initiations!)





It's a can can dance kick!!!





An ass in the face never gets old!





The gangs face off!





It's the final face off!!! (with continuous titty punches for 5 straight minutes!)






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Thursday, September 04, 2008

The Ruins (Review)

The Ruins

The Ruins (2008)

Directed by Carter Smith

I'm a big Jenna Malone fan. Let's get out of the way first. She was awesome in Donnie Darko, Saved and here in the Ruins.

But alas, the Ruins is well another horror movie that will be placed in the used DVD bin soon enough.

It wasn't great, it wasn't bad. It just was.

Was what you may be asking?

It's another movie where white American tourists make trouble for the indigenous local inhabitants and get themselves killed.

Fuckin white teenagers always get into shenanigans and go where they're not suppose to.

Local guy says: "Don't go to the secluded beach"
White kids go to the beach......and die.

Local guy says: "Don't go to abandoned house"
White kids go to the abandoned house.....and die.

Local guy says: "Don't go to the ancient Mayan ruins"
White kids go to the ruins......and die.

Fuck em. They got what they deserved right? They never fuckin listen.

But as I kept watching, I gotta admit that from the trailer you'd think the movie is about a cursed Mayan pyramid or killer trees or plants but actually its about putting a couple of white American tourists in an impossible scenario and seeing how they'd react.

It's like watching mice in a maze. And that's why it's worth the watch.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A group of friends whose leisurely Mexican holiday takes a turn for the worse when they, along with a fellow tourist embark on a remote archaeological dig in the jungle, where something evil lives among the ruins.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's just start by saying that Jena Malone in a bikini may have been worth the price of admission or rental or torrent download (whichever method you prefer). She plays Amy, the resident Jennifer Love Hewitt of the 4 Spring Breakers. She and her best friend Stacey (Laura Ramsey) with their boyfriends Jeff (Jonathan Tucker) and Eric (Shawn Ashmore) are in Mexico doing the MTV spring break thing.

They meet a German tourist Mathias (Joe Anderson) who tells them about some ancient ruins. Of course they go down the non touristy path and end up at the ruins where the local Mayan community aint thrilled with seeing them.

Like Manifest Destiny, they go and explore the ruins. Little do they know that when they have contact with the plants, it "infects" you. You'd think the Mayans would post a sign in Spanish and shit.

The locals force our turistas to stay on the temple, threatening to kill them if they do.

So we get our plant vs man encounters. National Geographic never had an episode about this. These fuckin plants are nuts. They can mimic ringtones, voices and even sex!

Did Apple or Microsoft grow these things?

Soon its gets all horrificly bad, you'd hope they had a weed wacker or some shit. Some 2 unscheduled surgeries occur. A leg amputation will make gore hounds rejoice and some tape-worm-ish plant wiggles are kinda icky.

Ending (seems there are 2 alternates on the DVD) is a bit cliched but how could you really end a movie about killer plants?

The Ruins is 90 minutes that are paced well. Lots of downtime with some mindless talking but the uptime is where it's at.

At times you can try to empathize with the characters and it's psychologically exhausting. Would you wait for help or concieve a plan and execute it. If some freakin plant virus was mutating in you, would you wait to die or go all suicidal?

The movie raises some intriguing questions and that's where the true horror comes in. Not the fucked up Windows plants or the hostile tribe, but the decisions we make for our own survival.

But alas, as I said before, these American "The Hills-like" teenagers got what they deserved for not listening. They should have been shopping at Hollister and Pacific Sunwear, but instead they got massacred by some vines.

Plants 1
Dumb American white teenagers 0

Yay plants.



Influences

Turistas
The Happening
Little Shop of Horrors
I Know What You Did Last Summer 2


Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Gunshot to the head
Leg amputation plus soldering
Bone smashing
Knife surgery
Dead bodies
Knife to the heart
Arrow trauma
Child trauma
Plant infection in body trauma


Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Jena Malone's bikini
Laura Ramsey's boobies and ass


WTF moment

Did I not just say the plants can mimic ringtones, voices and even sex!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Is the Ruins worth the time and effort? Yeah I'd think so. I wasn't bored and it goes by pretty quickly. Jena Malone and the cast give good performances. And it's got some decent moments that got the horror juices flowing. But even after watching mice do experiments, you get bored. And that's when you check to see what else is in the used horror DVD bin.

Rating:
1/2

The Trailer:


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Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Trailer Park of Terror (Trailer)


Based on an Imperium Comics series, Trailer Park of Terror seems to hit all the right horror chords. Hot lead babe, rednecks, redneck demons and a busload of dysfunctional youth to kill.

It's an attempt at the horror-omedy though I'm skeptical this will work.

Just check out the trailer already.






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Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Gallowwalker (Trailer)

Gallowwalker is speculated to be Wesley Snipes return to a theatrical release-hood. So if Snipes can do it, why can't JCVD?

I mean Snipes was indicted for tax invasion and he gets the Hollywood greenlight? Has JCVD ever been arrested for a crime? (Oh yeah.... drugs, girl trouble and he got sued by the real Frank Dux)

Well I gotta admit, Gallowwalker looks Paul W.S. Anderson-ish and has a slight video gamey effect but the premise has got me stoked.

A gunman knows too well the ways of vengeance. Fast and furious, he has killed every man who crossed him. But his gift with a gun comes with a curse. All those who die by his hand will return. Enter the world of gallowwalker, where vengeance lives forever.

Live by the gun. Die by the gun. Come back for more...

Western zombie gun slinging goodness or straight to DVD Uwe Boll garbage?

You decide. Check out the trailer below.





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