Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Teeth (Review)

Teeth

Teeth (2007)

Directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein

I like to define subgenres of horror. What you can call this is simple.

Horrorotica.

We expect to see T&A, sex and mutilation.

And Teeth gives us all of the above, and gives it to us in a full blown load of funny satire and splatter.

It's a simple buildup. And you know whats to come. And it climaxes at the very end.

PUNS SO FUCKIN INTENDED.

Boring Plot-O-Matic (thank you official site)

High school student Dawn works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group's most active participant. Her task is made even more difficult by her bad boy stepbrother Brad's increasingly provocative behavior at home. A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence. As she struggles to comprehend her anatomical uniqueness, Dawn experiences both the pitfalls and the power of being a living example of the vagina dentata myth.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Teeth can be summed up one phrase.

MUTITLATED PENSISES EQUAL FEMALE EMPOWERMENT

Isn't that what you got out of seeing Teeth as well? Suffice it to say, Teeth is horrorotica with a tad of black comedy and satire and some good ole gory horror mixed in. And it works. Clocking in at a good ole 90 minutes, the film paces well and though the ending is cliched, you got what you deserved when you decided to watch a movie about vagina dentata.

Jess Weixler gives a great performance as Dawn, the mutant with the killer flower. Her family lives in mutant land (2 power plants are near her home). She has a sick mom, a step dad and a gothy metal step brother named Brad who wants to have what Greg and Marsha Brady never did.

Dawn has gone all Republican and is abstinence heavy in her purity cult. But teenagers today are all fucked up and she meets Toby. But Toby is a jerk off and becomes victim # 1 of Dawn's killer dentata.

Her "teeth" are the ultimate defense mechanism and ultimately fuck up a gynecologist, an American Pie reject and a special somebody who we all knew was gonna get fucked up.

Jess Weixler has that girl next door look mixed in with a femme fatale that makes the movie work. She plays her role, as distraught, as "The Bride" and as feminism come alive.

You've got the men playing the victims in a nice vice versa effect and most of the dudes of course are 3 steps away from being on "To Catch a Preadator" on Dateline NBC.

Of course they all deserve to get their penises ripped apart for being such oversexed horny rapists looking only to score.

So Dawn makes the men pay with her new mutant powers. Joss Whedon would be proud.

What more can you say about a movie about a killer vagina?

Influences

Killer Condom
Heathers
Movies about vaginas that kill

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Mutilated penis
Sliced Fingers
Mutilated penis
Dog attacks
Mutilated penis
Severed penis
Did I mention there are mutilated penises?


Nudipedia (because you like boobies)

We see Dawn's glorious boobies

WTF moment

The gynecologist visit
The dog special "treat"

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis


Teeth is American Pie but horror-fied. Truly a classic horror-rotica-omedy. Teenage angst is always John Hughes territory but given a satirical gory sense of humor you get Teeth.

And it comes at you with a big bite.

"Sometimes, your a mutant with vagina teeth. But that doesn't mean you can't live a normal life. All you have to remember is MUTITLATED PENSISES EQUAL FEMALE EMPOWERMENT"

[cue NBC The More you Know music]

Rating:
1/2

The Trailer:



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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Stag Night (Trailer)

After watching the trailer for Stag Night, the first question that popped into my head was...

Really?????? Every year, 2000 passengers go missing on the subway?????
Get the fuck out of here.

But who am I to argue. I'm sure they have certified NYC MTA stats to back that shit up.

Stag Night is brought to us by Peter Dowling, who wrote Flightplan. The plot sounds like Judgement Night, but on a train.

Four guys on a bachelor party get off the subway at a station that shut down in the 50's and, after watching a transit cop get brutally murdered, find themselves running for their lives beneath the streets of NY.

The movie stars Kip Pardue, Breckin Meyer, the hot Vinessa Shaw and Scott "Boyka" Adkins.

Which begs the question, why is Boyka (from Undisputed 2) running from a crazed NYC serial killer? He can fuckin spinkick the shit out anybody.

So if your on a NYC train, don't get off a stop that looks shady. Do as the tagline suggests.

Stay on train (or get out when its your stop)

Check out the trailer in all its absurd glory below.




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Saturday, August 23, 2008

Animals (Trailer)


After watching Neil Marshall's Doomsday, it got me thinking how awesome Dog Soldiers was. A lot of directors have fucked up werewolf movies, but Dog Soldiers kicked ass.

Now with the flux of lycanthrope movies such as Underworld: Rise of the Lycans and the Wolf Man coming out next year, are the American and world masses ready for a reintroduction to werewolf movies?
Are we going to have a lycan revival?

So as I super highwayed along, I found an interesting new werewolf movie called Animals.

Starring Naveen Andrews (Lost) and Marc Blucas (BtVS), from the trailer its filled with claw crunching gore, hot steamy naked sweaty sex and some jump editing weirdness.

Here be the eh - so - so - eh plot (from IMDB)

Syd Jarrett (Marc Blucas) is an unsuspecting, down-and-out man in a washed-up hick town whose life is turned upside down when the drop-dead gorgeous Nora (Nicki Aycox) walks through the door of the local bar. Jarrett's passion for Nora leads him peripherally into a sub-culture of animals where he encounters Vic (Naveen Andrews), a renegade whose animal instincts are stronger than his human ones. As things begin to get even worse, Jarrett realizes that his best chance for happiness, and survival, lies in his true love for Jane (Eva Amurri).

The movie is based on a novel by John Skipp and Craig Spector who are the inventors of "splatterpunk".

Gore, sex and werewolves.

This gotta be good right?

Check out the trailer below.



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Friday, August 22, 2008

The Search For Weng Weng (Trailer)

Weng Weng got his 15 minutes when The Chuds made him a You Tube star with their Weng Weng rap.

At 2'9, the Filipino midget starred in the hilarious James Bond spoof For Y'ur Height Only and The Impossible Kid as Double Agent 00. Before Mini Me, he kicked underworld criminals asses and scored with the ladies.




Well, Australian filmmaker Andrew Leavold decided to search for Weng Weng and made a documentary on the legendary Filipino B-movies of the 70s and 80s.

His official site is a mish mash of blog entries during his 3 year odyssey in the Philippines.

Check out the trailer below.



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Thursday, August 21, 2008

5 or Die (Trailer)

Where the hell is the jaded viewer's teaser video?

Arrow in the Head got one.
Bloody Disgusting got one.
Dread Central got one.
Fangoria got one.

Where the fuck is mine??

And what the fuck is this trailer all about?

Thanks to the Arrow, we now know it's a new short from Tom Holland that will premiere on Strike TV the internet site created by writers during the Writers Strike.

Check out The Ring-like teaser for 5 or Die.

5 OR DIE - FANGORIA Internet Spot




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Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Acolytes (Trailer)


Let's pretend we had a horror-lympics and we had to give out some medals to all the countries who've produced great horror movies of the last 4 years.

Would it look something like this?

Gold - France
Silver - United Kingdom
Bronze - Australia

Yup that seem right. The US wouldn't if be in the top 5 in my opinion. I'd follow up #4 with Canada and #5 with Japan.

It's movies like Acolytes that have gotten my attention instead. Straight from down under, the plot and trailer looks fuckin intriguing.

An interesting, original premise. See the plot below.

Three teens blackmail a killer into taking down the violent bully who has been making their lives hell.

Simple and to the point. It's directed by Jon Hewitt. Is Australia the new horror mecca?

With Greg McClean (who directed Wolf Creek and Rogue) a splat pack member, will we see a new wave of ozploitation?

Watch the trailer below.




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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Jack Brooks Monster Slayer (Review)

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2008)

Directed by Jon Knautz

I said it once and I'll say it again. Leave it up to the Canadians to reinvigorate the 80s horror-omedy.

Jon Knautz's Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer is a dash of Evil Dead, some Weird Science, a tad of Brain Dead, a pinch of The Gate and a heaping spoonful of Robert England.

I've been digging the horror-omedy of late with Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon topping my top 10 Horror movies of 2007.


So it was surprising that I would dig Jack Brooks which despite it's flaws is a pretty fun film from the middle to the end.


Boring Plot-O-Matic

(gracias IMDB)

As a child Jack Brooks witnessed the brutal murder of his family. Now a young man he struggles with a pestering girlfriend, therapy sessions that resolve nothing, and night classes that barely hold his interest. After unleashing an ancient curse, Jack's Professor undergoes a transformation into something not-quite- human, and Jack is forced to confront some old demons... along with a few new ones

Awesome Review-O-Matic

On a rainy night, Insano Steve and I attended the NY/East Coast premiere of Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer. It was presented by Fangoria and the director Jon Knautz and Mr. Jack Brooks himself Trevor Matthews were suppose to be on hand for a Q and A but alas they could not attend due to the bad weather.

But some hardcore horror fans did attend and we all saw some throwback 80s horror homage that we all left us skippy happy.

The first thing you notice when you watch Jack Brooks is, is this 1988? Because all the classic 80s horror conventions are in full effect.
Let's go through a checklist shall we?

1.) Ordinary, every day guy who has to save the day and becomes our reluctant hero.

CHECK.

2.) His clueless, blonde annoying girlfriend who is a ditz.

CHECK.

3.) Cardboard cutouts of high school streotypes (fat smart girl, stoner guys, nerds, hot punk rock chick, jocks and "Styles like Teen Wolf guy").

CHECK.

4.) The creepy old guy who tells the eerie back story of the evil that is to come.

CHECK.

5.) The professor who discovers a mysterious evil underneath his house, digs it up and gets fuckin posessesed.

CHECK.

6.) An over the top, gross out splatterfest with a boss character at the end that looks like Chet from Weird Science.

CHECK.

What we're initially seeing is an origin story. Jack's origin story and it's filled with classic moments that you can't forget. Trevor Matthews plays Jack as the confused everyday guy (he's a plumber attending night school) who's just looking for his purpose in life. Sorta like Ash, he's been put into a situation that eventually will make him see his true calling.

But it's Robert England performance that makes this classic. He's in vintage form as the night school professor that gets possessed by an evil demon heart (!?) that metamorphizes him into a fat, slobbering mutant big eyed ENORMOUS mouth monster that injects victims into blood thirsty demons. His slow transformation is hilarious as he devours chicken, veggies and his poor dog. Some gross out reversal of fortune moments and the Fly-like transfo is just awesome.

The final epic battle is fought in the school and the POW! BIFF! WOP! battle ensues as Jack battles the demons....using his plumbing tools.....and his wits.

It's all pretty generic but it's still all fun.

We get few camera angles, POV shots and some locker door smashing straight from the Sam Raimi school of directing. Some great one liners and gore and splatter FX that are top notch.

If Slither and Jack Brooks are the evolution of the classic 80s horror reinvigorated for today's audience, we're in good hands. Fuck the remakes. That shit never works. Do it right and make your own movie and franchise it.

Move over Ash, you've got company.

Influences

Evil Dead series
Brain Dead
Weird Science
Night of the Creeps
Slither
The Gate
Troll
80's horror movies

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Heart eating
Chicken wing eating
Monster tube slicing
Pipe smashing
Ax slashing
Head splatter smashing
Sodium Chloride expoding

Nudipidedia (because you like boobies)

Nada

!!!!WTF moment!!!!

The opening scene.
The monster at the beginning (and in the picute to the right)
The transformation

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Do we have a new Ash in the making? Yes and his name is Jack Brooks. And he's a fuckin monster slayer.

If you love the 80s horror of old, then you'll dig this.

Here's hoping their's a sequel.


Rating:


The Trailer:






Check out the official site for more information and screenings. If you are in the NYC area, it's playing at the Two Boots Pioneer theatre.

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Monday, August 18, 2008

We're part of LAMB! (The Large Association of Movie Blogs)

Large Association of Movie Blogs


The Jaded Viewer is happy announce that we are now a member of the LAMB, The Large Association of Movie Blogs. They've got a comprehensive index of all the movie blogs on the web.
From horror to comedy to anything movie related, they've got it all.

The jaded viewer was recently featured as LAMB #161 you can see below.


I've checked out some of the blogs and they all are pretty cool. It's a nice little niche in the internet-sphere.

If you've got a movie blog, join the community.

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Friday, August 15, 2008

Chocolate (Trailer)

Ever wonder if Tony Jaa was a hot looking Thai kick ass autistic woman?

Well the director of awesome-rific films Ong Bak and Tom Yum Goong , Prachya Pinkaew has decided to answer that question. And the result is Chocolate.

This is why Prachya Pinkaew is the reigning king of action cinema.

I love the ridiculous plot (thanks IMDB)

An autistic woman with powerful martial art skills looks to settle her ailing mother's debts by seeking out the ruthless gangs that owe her family money.

JeeJa Yanin is breathtaking in the trailer below. Her muay thai skills are unfuckinbelievable and as always, there are no stunt doubles and all the action stunts you see are as is.

Holy shit this is going to kick major fuckin ass.

Check out the trailer below (with English subs!)



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Thursday, August 14, 2008

Seventh Moon (Trailer)

Eduardo Sanchez (who directed The Blair Witch Project) stayed under the underground radar as nobody noticed his last film, Altered.

But I'm sure everybody will notice his new film, Seventh Moon, as the tagline alone has given me fanboy chills:

"On the full moon of the seventh lunar month, the gates of hell open and the spirits of the dead are freed to roam among the living.”

Seventh Moon stars the super hot Amy Smart and Tim Chiao as newlyweds who attend the Hungry Ghost Festival in rural China. They soon find themselves stranded at night in the middle of a superstitious ritual that may be more real than folk legend.

Ooooooooo spooky.

Check out the teaser trailer below.




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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Tyrese Gibson: A Jaded Viewer True Hollywood Story

I asked Insano Steve for a review of The Take. After a few weeks of prodding, he said he couldn't write a review that was potently funny or ridiculously entertaining. (I find this hard to believe as The Take seems ripe with some MST3K quips ready to be made). Instead he decided a Tyrese retrospective would be a better fit.

So here is Insano Steve's retrospective.

Tyrese Gibson: A Jaded Viewer True Hollywood Story

By Insano Steve

If somebody asked me "Who is your favorite actor?", I don't think I would have an answer.
But if somebody asked "Who is your favorite BLACK actor?", my answer would be easy, Tyrese.

Tyrese is famous for his Coke commercial where he starts spontaneously singing in the back of a bus. He's also a model and has a semi-successful R&B singing career.

But what I'm sure he is most proud of, is his acting career. Tyrese can be found starring and co-starring in such fine films as Baby Boy, 2 Fast 2 Furious, Four Brothers, Annapolis, Waist Deep, Transformers, and his latest film, The Take. Before I review The Take, let's answer some important questions about Tyrese and his films first:

1) Q: Is Tyrese a good actor?

A: Oh God no. He pretty much plays the same character in all his films.

2) Q: Is Tyrese a good black actor?

A: Hells yeah. I guess here's the distinction. Sure, I don't think Tyrese is an Oscar winning actor like Denzel Washington or Morgan Freeman or DMX, but Tyrese's movies are always great fun. When you see Tyrese on the screen, you know somebody is about to get shot. And that's how you should feel in any good black movie.

3) Q: Wait a minute, Tyrese is a model and sings really gay love songs, how come he plays thugs in all his movies?

A: That's kind of the beauty of it. Knowing his background, you pretty much know that his roles are not authentic and/or "keeping it real". Therefore when he shoots some poor bastard, it's just that much more funny. It's like watching Wayne Brady as a criminal in 'Crossover'.

4) Q: I heard Tyrese shoots a gun in every movie he's in, that can't be true right?

A: Yeah, that's pretty much right. That's his claim of distinction. These days, a good black movie is really hard to come by. Instead we have Tyler Perry bullshit or another Ice Cube family comedy.

Seriously, what the fuck?

Things were so much better when movies were just about crime and poverty. And the soundtrack badly outsold the movie. Well, there's still hope, because Tyrese is still out there shooting people.

5) Q: C'mon, no way, every movie?

A: Well, let's look at this on an itemized film by film basis via imdb.com:

Luke Cage (2009)

This movie hasn't been made but I'll just guess yes. Hopefully this movie won't make Tyrese a star and cause him to sellout to roles in non-black movies.

Those fucking robots ain't gonna shoot themselves

Legion (2009)

Post-apocalyptic movie. Bet on Tyrese finding the last remaining hand gun.

Death Race (2008)

He plays the role of 'Machine Gun Joe'. What do you think?

The Take (2007)

Several times, at close range, in John Leguizamo's head.

Transformers (2007)

Easily the biggest movie Tyrese has been in. You probably wouldn't notice he's in it though with all that transforming going on. He plays the black guy that keep's shooting people and robots.

Waist Deep (2006)

His 2nd greatest role. His character, O2, defies police, gangs, the Game, and logic to rob banks and flee to Mexico with hotness that is Meagan Good. Oh yeah, he's forced to rob banks cause the Game kidnapped his kid. He'd never rob banks otherwise. The legendary O-Dog from 'Menace to Society' in this. Oh yeah, he shoots people in this, many of whom die.

Annapolis (2006)

I never actually saw this. The trailer about a bunch a dudes in the Navy training camp just seemed a little gay. Harry Osbourne from the Spiderman movies stars in this. Tyrese plays his commanding officer, and pretty much hazes the shit out of him. Very likely, a gun is fired along the way.

Four Brothers (2005)

Here he plays one of the two black brothers. This movie is on TNT a lot but I always miss the ending. It's kinda stupid with Marky Mark and Andree 3000 and some other white guy playing his brothers. Alas, he does shoot people.

Also never seen. Only black actor in the movie, so it sounds promising.

2 Black 2 Furious! Lots of shooting and fancy driving in this. One of his less 'black' roles though.

Baby Boy (2001)

His greatest work. He plays Jody and he pretty much is a good for nothing thug with 2 baby mamas, no job, no car, and his mom's wants him out of the house. Marsellus Wallace teaches him some sense by throwing him through a glass coffee table. Cuba Gooding's brother in this movie and is awesome as the hopeless thug, Sweetpea. Snoop Dogg in this too, wearing the baggiest wife-beater ever put on film.

Without a doubt, the best black movie in the last 10 years. Tupac was supposed to star in this originally. Tyrese kills it in this movie (figuratively and otherwise). Movie caused me to Google chickenhead and hoodrat. Who knew there was such a subtle difference between them?

"Moesha" (2000) ... Troy

Seriously doubt he shot anybody on an episode of Moesha

Love Song (2000) (TV) ... Mad Rage/Skip

Huh, what is this?

"All That" (2000) .... Musical Guest

Hmmm, I wonder if he shot anybody as a Musical Guest

"The Parent 'Hood" (1998) .... Thug

His character is named Thug !?!?

"Martin" (1997) .... Dante

Shit, peoples was always getting shot on Martin

"Hangin' with Mr. Cooper" (1996) .... Darrell

Didn't see this episode, and Tyrese was only 15 at the time, but I'll assume 'Darrell' busts some shots off in Coop's class

6) Q: Dude, those movies all suck balls, why you like this guy?

A: Fuck you then. Make your own fucking list and I can trash that list.

7) Q: Yo, weren't you supposed to review 'The Take'?

A: Oh shit, yeah, that's right, ......





See Tyrese at his best in Waist Deep and Baby Boy.

Waist Deep Trailer


Baby Boy Trailer



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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Cottage (Review)

The Cottage

The Cottage (2008)

Directed by Paul Andrew Williams

The dry sense of humor the Brits have can either be considered bloody unfunny or bloody fuckin brillant.

I'm a big believer in that the subtle inappropriate remarks are better than the big jokey, long winded kind.

And that's why somehow the Brits have time after time made the horror-omedy work. Shawn of the Dead, Severance and now we have The Cottage.

Mixing the 2 genres together is very tricky. Sam Raimi's Evil Dead is an example of classic horror-omedy. But this film would not work without the comedy. If you remove that, it's just a used DVD bin rehash of The Hills Have Eyes meets Fargo.

Hell, when you can me somebody's foot being cut off funny, that's deserves praise.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

2 bumbling petty criminals kidnap the daughter of a underground kingpin and hold her for ransom in a cottage in the farmland. What they don't know is they've stumbled upon a pissed off redneck after they trespass on his land.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The Cottage is cardboard cut out horror caricatures to a tee. But just like eating a slice of pizza, you know how it's gonna taste and once you've eaten it, it's still damn tasty. Peter (Reece Shearsmith) is our reluctant hero criminal. The regular guy who gets caught in a scheme gone wrong. Steven (Andy Serkis) plays his brother, a leather coated, gruffy goatee tough guy who hatches the plan.

The kidnap victim, Tracey (Jennifer Ellison) is a spoiled Mafia princess whose brother Steven gets caught in the plan as well.

The first 40 or so minutes are your average crime gone wrong brand of ridiculousness. Inevitably it will be compared to From Dusk til Dawn in structure. I was slightly bored watching the paint dry with the jabbering British dialogue but Ellison's breasts kept me entertained.

The plan goes way off target, from the ransom being compromised to some Asian thugs trying to kill our bumbling bafoons (I always wanted to use that in a sentence).

The 50 or so minutes where we get into the horror are where The Cottage shows some balls. It seems this reclusive house is in some psycho farmer's land and he's got some issues. Lots of blood, splatter and gore ensue which are done in some Benny Hill like moments.

Foot slicing, decaps and entrails all get shown and I gotta admit, I wanted all of these people to die.

Our farmer slasher is straight out of the Hills Have Eyes disfigured family of monsters and though I've see this a thousand times, I enjoyed his chasing of these idiots.

Alas, the ending is ironic (as the Brits guarantee in almost all their horror), it wraps it all nicely. Suffice it to say this isn't no Shawn of the Dead, but the Cottage is clever enough to not waste my time. Bloody well done.

So grab some tea. I suggest Earl Grey, hot. And watch our friends across the pond make you laugh, squirm and be merry. Bollocks.

Influences

Shawn of the Dead
Severance
The Office
The Hills Have Eyes
Fargo
Probably some British films I've never heard of

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Head butting
Groin kicking
Intenstine spilling guts
Throat slashing
Shovel decapitation
Foot slicing (top part only)
Picket through the leg
Decapitated heads
Body parts galore
Picket trauma
Picket through the groin
Head and spine decapitation

Nudipidedia (because you like boobies)

None.

So here's a picture of Jennifer Ellison to keep you entertained.




















!!!!WTF moment!!!!

The last thing on the Gore-ipedia list. That rocked

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Severance and Shawn to me are just horror-omedy done fuckin right. And I'm glad the Brits are continuing to make these sub genres of movies because they are so fuckin good at it.

Some American horror fans won't like this. We don't like when our horror and comedy intertwine. We need our Superbad and our Hills Have Eyes 2 separated.

But that's too bad. Because its movies like the Cottage that know how to do it right. It's 90 minutes of laughs, shits and giggles and buckets of gore. Bloody fun!

Rating:

The Trailer:



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Monday, August 11, 2008

Black Dynamite (Trailer)

"Now you see me where I'm coming from you jive MOTHERFUCKER!!!!"

That's how the trailer concludes for Black Dynamite which I got to say looks fuckin awesome. With the influx of revival grindhouse and exploitation flicks coming out this year (see Hell Ride, Bitch Slap, Black Devil Doll), Black Dynamite might pull off the impossible.

Be a full fledge blaxploitation film that has all the elements of classics such as Shaft, Superfly and Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song.

Directed by Scott Sanders, Black Dyanmite stars Michael Jai White as 1970s African-American action legend Black Dynamite.

The Man killed his brother, pumped heroin into local orphanages, and flooded the ghetto with adulterated malt liquor. Black Dynamite was the one hero willing to fight The Man all the way from the blood-soaked city streets to the hallowed halls of the Honky House..

(thank you IMDB)

BD pimps up black women, white women and asian women alike. He kicks ass with killer kung fu mojo and makes honkies pay because "he carries 2 guns, one to stop trouble and one to make trouble".

Fuckin A.

Check out the official red band trailer below.

This is going to fuckin rock. Check out the clip below as Black Dynamite meets Barry. Also, check out the official site and the Facebook and MySpace pages.




Clever isn't it? Black Dynamite is going to kick ass, literally.

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Sunday, August 10, 2008

Philosophy of a Knife (Trailer)

There's a debate on whether or not Philosophy of a Knife is worth the time, money and effort to watch what the horror underground is calling the first "Goreumentary". Though many would say Men Behind the Sun is the first (a film that shocked the fuck out of me) that movie was made 20 years ago and you figured somebody would take the goreumentary a little further.

That's where Andrey Iskanov comes in.

The Russian director of Nails and Visions of Suffering has decided to make a documentary about Japanese Unit 731, where a group of Japanese scientists performed biological medical experiments on Russian prisoners.

Here be the plot from Unearthed Films who produced the film with Iskanov.

The true history of Japanese Unit 731, from it's beginnings in the 1930's to it's demise in 1945, and the subsequent trials in Khabarovsk, USSR, of many of the Japanese doctors from Unit 731. The facts are told, and previously unknown evidence is revealed by an eyewitness to these events, former doctor and military translator, Anatoly Protasov. Part documentary and part feature, the story is shown from the perspective of a young Japanese nurse who witnessed many of horrors, and a young Japanese officer who is torn between his sincere convictions that he is serving the greater purpose, and the deep sympathy he feels for an imprisoned Russian girl. His life is a living hell as he's compelled to carry out atrocious experiments on the other prisoners, using them as guinea pigs in this shocking tale of mankind's barbarity. Philosophy of a knife is truly one of the most violent, brutal and harrowing movies ever made.

The gripes come in that's its 4.....yes FUCKIN 4 HOURS LONG!!!!

And that "starved" prisoners all look like Anna Kournikova. From what I've read in reviews and comments, the torture and gore are in peak form and are disturbing as fuck.

Hmmmm. We've got pros and we got cons. The DVD came out on July 8th and is available via Unearthed Films.

Many fucked ups scenes are up on YouTube. Check out the trailer below and decide if you're in or out.





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Saturday, August 09, 2008

Bitch Slap (Trailer)

You know what? I didn't get the memo about the blaxploitation, muscle car, Pussycat Kill Kill Kill, grindhouse revivals.

I finally got the TPS report so I'm now up to speed.

Hence after seeing the must see trailer of the year (Black Devil Doll), the 2nd most kick ass trailer has got to be from Bitch Slap.

Starring some hot blooded, kick ass, heavy artillery, much hot vixens. It's Kill Bill meets Grindhouse. Looks very Tarantino-ish but homages the revenge chick movies to a tee.

The movie stars Julia Voth (Trixie), Erin Cummings (Hel) and America Olivo (Camaro) as three bad girls who try to extort money from an underworld kingpin.

From the trailer, looks like it's going to be harder than they thought.

Check out the trailer below.



Also check out the official site for a high def trailer.

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Friday, August 08, 2008

Doomsday (Review)

Doomsday

Doomsday (2008)

Directed by Neil Marshall

Everybody please welcome Mr. Neil "Big Budget Blockbuster" Marshall.

What happens when you give the director of The Descent 30 million to make a flick?

He doesn't remake his cave dwelling masterpiece or direct a remake of an American horror classic.

What he does is simple. He makes a movie about a B-movie post apocalyptic virus stricken futuristic world ripe with homages to everything from The Road Warriors, Mad Max and Escape from New York. Plus he throws in some medieval pics in for show.

And that's why Doomsday is jolly good fun.

Fuck the naysayers with their incoherent plot, ripoffs and been there, done that. Even the best films are homages to classics (ahem Pulp Fiction, Grindhouse, etc.).

Doomsday blends these things bloody nicely and Marshall's preposterous gore and quick editing make this a soon to be cult classic.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A virus called the Reaper virus has infected all of Scotland. The UK quarantines all of Scotland leaving the inhabitants to die a most excrutiating death. As the UK goes all tolitarian, the reaper virus shows up again and a rag tag army bats have to go back to Glasgow where survivors have been found with a possible cure.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I'm up. Sorry I dozed off.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Rhona Mitra (who plays Eden St. Clair) is hot in her black tank top and sporting some kick ass kung fu and a heavy duty gun. She's the major who has to infiltrate No Man's Land and find the cure. You know the drill, her team shoots a billion rounds and kills a lot of the renegade cannibal insane warriors.

But remember, it's never the good guys that make a film fun it's the baddies and boy Doomsday has a shitload. Sol is the leader of the Mad Max bunch who feast on human flesh, sport mohawks and wield clubs with spikes. Sol entertains his troops with a show number and a BBQ like no other. Everybody is tattooed and totally fucked up. But like Dr. Evil's henchman, they get their ass kicked.....royally.

After St. Clair and her team kill 500 punk rock rejects, they follow fellow survivors to find the ever elusive Dr. Kane who may or may not have the cure.

This is where I was like....."WTF!??!?"

Dr. Kane has built a world that closely resembles Medieval Times. Complete with a castle, archers, knights and wenches. I'm not fuckin kidding.

This sets up a scene where the "Executioner" knight gladiators St Clair in a pit style death match. St. Clair seems to have gone through serious Navy Seal training and bloodifies to victory.

The remaining Waterworld rejects catch up to our survivors and an unbelievable chase scene ensues with a BMW and some punk rock armored up cars.

At this point, the viewer should just sit back and watch the carnage. Ending is blah blah yay good for her and 20 minutes later you've fully digest what you've seen. You're definitely not going to be talking about this say like Memento but fuck, it's entertaining.

What more can I say? Doomsday didn't bore me. It's a little too long. I mean 2 hours? But it's got plenty of insane action scenes and tons of over the top gore and splatter.

The acting is palatable and the world Neil Marshall has intermixed is quite new. He knew how to put all the ingredients together and though it's like eating leftovers the day after, it's still pretty fuckin tasty.



Influences

The Road Warriors
Mad Max
Escape from New York (and LA)
Waterworld
Every post apocalyptic movie where man becomes a cannibal and goes crazy

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

People getting totally gunned down
Beheadings (I counted like 5)
Flesh eating virus gore
Shotgun blast to the head
Cow slaughter
Cannibalism
Eye trauma
Sword head trauma
Hand and decapitations

Nudipedia (because you like boobies)

Hot blonde in a tub has big boobies
Mad Max vixens with cleavage
Rhona Mitra's hotness

WTF moment

St. Clair's eye and the Medieval Times flip of a coin

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

It's not a perfect movie but it's heart is in the right place. Doomsday didn't turd out like Waterworld but creates a 21st century post apocalyptic world that looks like Newark. I definitely knew coming in this was not going to come close to Marshall's other masterpieces Dog Soldiers and The Descent, but as fas as big budget blockbusters go, this one wasn't too bad.

Let's hope Neil goes back to his roots and gives us the next horror movie we all want.

Rating:
1/2


The Trailer:




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Thursday, August 07, 2008

Gutterballs (Trailer)

I stumbled upon the poster for Gutterballs (I love the homage to the Maniac poster) and immediately wanted to check out the trailer which is below.

From the director of Live Feed, it seems they went with a "bad" movie set up which ultimately has gotta be fuckin hilarious.

Cardboard cut out horror slasher, stereoptypical characters and a 80s bowling alley equal the good 80s horror of old.

They've created other poster variations of other classic 80s horror movies (below).
This came out last year so I think I'll be checking it out real soon.




















Check out the trailer below.




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Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Black Devil Doll (Trailer)


I really think I've seen every sorta genre movie. Be it mushy chick flick to hard-gore horror. Hence the name: the jaded viewer. But every once in a while, I'll see a flick and go "Wow that's fuckin new!"

After seeing the trailer for Black Devil Doll, I said that exactly.

Part blaxploitation, part porn, part horror-omedy. It's a mix bag of grindhouse homage and cheesey velveeta goodness.

Director Jonathan Lewis with fellow writer Shawn Lewis (who is the man behind Rotten Cotton and defunked Blackest Heart Media) envisioned this soon to be cult favorite.

!!TANGENT ALERT!!

I bought some shit from Blackest Heart Media (Insano Steve and I called him Blackheart) and even met Shawn Lewis at a Chiller convention years back. I can't believe he made this shit. Kudos to him.

!!END TANGENT ALERT!!

According to IMDB, it's a homage to Chester Turner's low budget Black Devil Doll From Hell.
It's the most fuckin funniest trailer I've seen in a while.

BE WARNED!!! IT'S SORTA OFFENSIVE AND FILLED WITH RATED R NUDITY!!!!
Check out the Rated R trailer.



To see gratuitous nudity, lots of cursing and splatter-ific gore, see the unrated, uncensored trailer on the official site.

BONUS TRAILER!!!!

It's the original trailer for Chester Turner's low budget Black Devil Doll From Hell.




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Friday, August 01, 2008

Top 50 Hottest Sci Fi Girls (Feature)

I'll admit it. I watched Lexx. I also watched Cleopatra 2525. Hell I even watched Xena too. I attribute these addictive shows to a disease that strikes men 18-34 years old and can be contagious as hell.

I call it Dark Angel Syndrome. See the definition below.

Dark Angel Syndrome
noun

1.) Watching any particular form of entertainment (movie, tv show, etc.) because the hotness of lead actress outweighs the horrible plot, bad acting and totally shitty experience of the show.
2.) Dark Angel is a reference to the hotness that is Jessica Alba and the reason why men watched in pain 2 seasons of this James Cameron inspired show.

You might actually get DAS if you check out UGO.com's Top 50 Hottest Sci Fi Girls.

It's a great comprehensive list of some hotty hot hot girls that have been in sci fi movies.

Xenia Seeberg who played Xev Bellringer on Lexx gave me a bad case of DAS. I mean this sci fi show had bad special effects, horrible dialogue and it was German too!

But Senia Seeberg is so damn hot I couldn't miss an episode. Damn DAS!!!

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