Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Martyrs (Trailer)


The new French wave of horror is blazing across screens as the official trailer for Martys is now online.

If you've seen Inside or Frontiere(s) or even Haute Tension, you know the French may be squeamish when it comes to war but not in their horror movies. If the trailer and the 2 teaser trailers below are any indication of how sadistic and bloody this will be, I'm so fuckin thrilled.


The buzz is this is the uber ultimate in torture porn. Kudos to the fearless French horror film industry. Let the carnage ensue!!!!

Here's the synopsis (courtesy of esplatter.com):

France. A night at the beginning of the 1970s.

Lucie, a little girl missing for over a year, is discovered wandering by the side of a country road.

Near catatonic, she can say nothing about what has happened to her. The cops quickly find the place in which she's been incarcerated - a disused slaughterhouse. Every indication is that she never once left the empty, freezing room in which she was imprisoned.

Filthy, starving, dehydrated, the child's body nonetheless bears no traces of sexual abuse - this was no paedophile abduction, but something far stranger.

What happened in that icy room? And how did Lucie escape?

Lucie is hospitalized - slowly she learns how to live again, an enfant sauvage gradually returning to the real world. In the hospital, she meets Anna, another little girl, and a victim of terrible abuse at the hands of her family. In no time, they are inseparable. Anna takes charge of Lucie, like a mother. As for her kidnappers, the police are at a dead end. Lucie's ordeal remains a terrible mystery.

One night, as Anna sleeps, Lucie hears an awful, rasping breathing. A vision appears: a body, naked, skeletal, tortured. Barely human. The apparition seizes her...

15 years later. A house, isolated in the middle of a forest. A family: Mum, Dad, two kids. A happy home. As they eat breakfast, there's a knock at the door. The father opens it to find a young woman, hollow-eyed and wraithlike and mad. In her hands, a rifle. "Remember the little girl I once was?" She shoots him where he stands, enters the house, and locks the door...

Minutes later, the family lie bloody. All dead. Lucie calls Anna, who tells her not to move, she'll be right there. In shock, Lucie hangs up. And then she hears it. That terrible, terribly familiar breathing...


Oh man, this is going to kick so much freakin ass. Check out the official trailer and the teasers.

The Official Trailer


The Teaser Trailers



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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Red Sonja (Comic Con 2008 Posters)


When I first read that Rose McGowan was going to play Red Sonja, I was like....

"Isn't she like 5'1?"

How do you strike fear into your enemies when your waving your sword at their knees?

Well if there is one person that might pull this off it's Rober Rodriguez. Trouble is, he's not directing this. Some dude name Douglas Aarniokoski. Say who?

Straigh out of Comic Con , check out the poster above and below for the first look at the hot Rose McGowan as the killer redhead.

Will she have a Chinese kid as a sidekick too?



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Monday, July 28, 2008

Friday the 13th (Remake) (Trailer)


Yes fellow readers, the jaded viewer also covers *some* mainstream horror movies and news. And so low and behold the poster for the "reimagining" of Friday the 13th is above.

I love the the 13th series (even some of the shitty sequels) . I think Jason Voorhees is the greatest slasher of all time. But I have my doubts about this remake. It looks....well a little Final Destination-ish with a mix of some Rob Zombie Halloween. To me, 21st century Jason is very bland compared to 1980's Jason. 1980's Jason seemed to evoke more menace.

It may have had to do with the heavy breathing.

The remake is being directed by Marcus Nispel who directed Pathfinder (a Vikings vs Indians 300 ripoff)

UGO.com has some plot tidbits and spoilers.

So will this remake kick ass? What do you think?

Well we'll soon find out on February 13th, 2009.

Check out the bootleg Comic Con trailer below.




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Sunday, July 27, 2008

Insanitarium (Review)

Insanitarium

Insanitarium (2008)

Directed by Jeff Buhler

Here's the plot for Insanitarium:

Jack plays a man who pretends to be crazy in order to save his sister from being involuntarily hospitalized. Once inside the institute, the siblings discover that a doctor is using his patients like lab rats, forcing them to take a drug that turns them into flesh-eating psychopaths.

Is this the best idea Jack could come up with to free his sister?

I don't know who Jesse Metcalf is. Something with Desperate Housewives I think. Fuck if I care. It's the "special guest stars" that made me chuckle.

Quark aka Armin Shimerman plays a mental patient. Olivia Munn (from G4's Attack of the Show) plays a nurse. Kiele Sanchez (who was on a few episodes of Lost) played Jack's sister Lily. and Peter Stormare (of Fargo fame) plays the mad doctor.

With all these "Hey It's That Guy or Girl" actors, Insanitarium is just a horror film in an insane asylum.

But with extra crunchy flesh eating zombies (I hesitate to call them zombies as they aren't dead).

Awesome Review-O-Matic

So as the plot illustrates, Jack poses a crazy guy to free his sister. He meets the doctor (Peter Stormare) who has been testing a drug called Orpheum to cure his patients but instead makes them more crazier and more hungry for human flesh.

Jack, with the help of Dave (another patient) and a nurse Nancy (Olivia Munn) help free Jack's sister and try to escape the asylum. They run alot. Barricading doors, fighting off the loonies flesh eaters with electro sticks and knives and such. Inevitably they face off against the mad doctor and the ending is as expected. Your typical open ended ending with a dash of "look we may have a sequel if this movie gets good DVD sales".

First of all, let me say that for an insane asylum...ahem oh sorry...I mean mental institution, they've got some hot patients and staff. Serously? Olivia Munn? Kiele Sanchez? Hot naked nymphomaniac. Please, I'd like to check into this place.

Second of all, are all the mental this crazy? Like moaning and groaning and walking like zombies fucked up? But then you have the fully functioning crazy people who seem quite normal. I'm no expert but this seems to be a little unbalanced (pun so intended).

I can see where Jeff Buhler was trying to go with Insanitarium. He wanted to use the exterior of the asylum to catapult a slash and dash zombie film. But thats the thing. Asylums have already been done to death. Sometimes we like to see our zombies in a mall. Or on Army base. Or in Vegas. Or in London. Or in Pittsburgh. Or in a quarantined apartment building.

An asylum is just....well boring. Flesh eating wackos are not new. And this is where Insanitarium lacks energy. There were some good splatter-ific moments but for 88 minutes, I was left waiting for those moments. I think I counted maybe 2 total.

So what can I say? If you like seeing people chased by cannibal crazies for an hour and a half is your thing, see Insanitarium. But then again, I might say your crazy.

Influences

Re-Animator
Evil Dead
Romero's Dead series
Every other zombie film

Gore-ipedia

Gun shots
Knife stabbing
Intestine eating
Arm trauma
Knife through the mouth (x2!!!)
Penis munching
Ice Pick eye trauma
Blood covered walls
Limbs and arms pieces



Nudi-pedia

Hot,blonde naked mental patient chases our heroes...well naked

WTF moment

"Holy shit? Is that Quark???"

-the jaded viewer upon seeing Armin Shimerman in the movie

"Holy shit? Isn't that the girl from Attack of the Show?"

-the jaded viewer upon seeing Olivia Munn in the movie

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Let's just say, if you want to see some crazy people get chased by crazy blood thirsty killers, see The Signal instead.

Jeff Buhler wrote the screenplay for Midnight Meat Train. Hopefully that flick will be awesome-rific and whatever Buhler follows up with will be much better.

But if you wanna see Olivia Munn and Quark, play a nurse and an insane killer...then see this. And then check your self into mental ward.

Rating:


The Trailer



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Friday, July 25, 2008

Comic Con 2008 (Coverage)


No, I'm not in San Diego for the Comic Con. But UGO.com is. They'll be covering all the big blockbuster movies plus the little horror gems that are sure to be cult classics.

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Thursday, July 24, 2008

Rewind: Paradise Villa (Trailer)

If you've seen Oldboy or any of Chan Wook Park's movies, you know the Korean film industry is on the cutting edge of some really jaded movies.

A little gem that came out in 2001 is Paradise Villa.

The plot is well...kinda kooky.

An MMO geek finds out that somebody has stolen his inventory and seeks vengeance on the gamer who swiped it. The gamer lives in "Paradise Villa" and our anti-hero is goes insano killing on the residents of the apartment complex, who themselves are little quirky.

Trust me, I first saw this flick on VCD (yes fuckin VCD) and it's fuckin gore-ific. Blood, splatter and knifes into neck trauma.

Good times. Track this down if you can.




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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Ong Bak 2 (Trailer)


I just watched the trailer for Ong Bak 2. And all I have to say is....WTF?

Ong bak had simple premise. Super uber muay thai fighter Tony Jaa comes to Bangkok to get back mystical head, meet his funny cousin and kicks anybody's ass in the process if they get in his way.

He also runs, flies, skips, dashes and avoids obstacles in a local market than savagely beats up henchman and the boss at the end.

That's it. So can somebody tell me why is Ong Bak 2 an epic period movie filled with num chucks, elephants and facepaint?

Arghhhh. C'mon Tony Jaa. Doing crazy kicks, free running and kneeing somebody in the head is what made Ong Bak rock. I need to see you elbow somebody's fuckin head.

Well, I'll give this movie a chance. It seems like they are showcasing some other Thai martial arts so that seems cool. And this flick has weapons. Maybe the weapons will help. We'll see.

Check out the promo reel/trailer below.





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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Return to Sleepaway Camp (Trailer)

I will admit right here on jadedviewer.com a most embarassing horror tidbit about myself.

Here goes.............

I own all 3 Sleepaway Camp movies. I actually bought the Survival Kit boxset.

Yes I admit it. I'm a closet Sleepaway Camp fan.

I'm not even sure why. I mean all Sleepaway Camp was were camp counselors getting killed, hacked, tortured, impaled and murdered. Same ole slasher shit.

But oh that fuckin ending. What a hell of freakin ending.

So with that, Return to Sleepaway Camp, the 4th installment of the series comes to DVD October 14th (via Magnolia Pictures, thanks Arrow in the Head) Head over to the Arrow for the plot summary.

The cast includes the original’s Felissa Rose, Jonathan Tierston and Paul DeAngelo, as well as Vincent Pastore, Isaac Hayes, Adam Wylie, Mary Elizabeth King, and Ashley Carin as the head lifeguard.

The crappy trailer is below.




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Monday, July 21, 2008

Amatuer Porn Star Killer 2 (Review)

Amateur Porn Star Killer 2

Amateur Porn Star Killer 2 (2008)

Directed by Shane Ryan

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh sorry about that. I'm up now. So your here for a review of APSK2 right?

No problem.

Here's the really short review.

Talking. Killing. Porn. Killing. Porn. Killing.End.

Good enough? No? Arghhh. OK. Let's see what I remember from this flick before I dozed off.

Everybody has that friend that when you go over their house, they always turn on the video camera and videotape everything. That same friend also makes you watch old video footage of him/her with her friends doing something goofy on camera. Everybody has that friend. The amatuer video star. The person who loves seeing themselves on camera. He/she is in every shot, every interview and every embarassing moment.

If you watch APSK, that's Shane Ryan.

I never watched the 1st one, just watched the trailer and a clip on YouTube. But I got the entire gist of it. But I got curious. Could a POV serial killer flick with porn work on both levels???

Umm. Ehhhh. Sorry dude.

It doesn't.

Porn and Horror (though very similar) are like oil and water. They kinda don't mix. Yeah horror initiates it's world through sex and violence, but porn is raw. And I really can't say this works.

The pseudo snuff movie genre seems to be making a come back. With the release of the Poughkeepsie Tapes, somehow we've got a new genre of POV killer movies clammoring to be seen in the world of the over drenched world of torture porn.

But thats it. If your playing in the world of torture porn (which is what APSK2 tries to do) and you add real porn, somehow it loses the point.

If you read all that, the plot revolves around a pseudo doc about Brandon who has murdered over 22 girls. Between the main storyline which he stalks a victim played by Kai Lanette (who cowrote the movie), we see various old video footage flashbacks of Brandon and his murders of various girls (being identified as "Victim #3" and such)

The dialogue is cluttered, improvised and reality tv show-ish. The slow tension burns into obliviousness. And the climax (pun intended because I'm fuckin bored of writing this review) was just boring. Real porn movie endings are better.

I quote a line from Scream to end this rather jaded review.

Sidney: "You sick fucks, you've seen one too many movies!"

Billy: "Now Sid, don't you blame the movies, movies don't create psychos, movies make psychos more creative!"

Shane Ryan wanted to be a porn star and instead made a torture porn flick with real porn.

Kudos to him for being creative.

Rating:

The Trailer:



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Friday, July 18, 2008

Watchmen (Trailer)

"Who watches the Watchmen?"



On March 6, 2009, everybody will because the trailer below has blown me away.

Wow.

Holy fuckin cow that was fuckin amazing.

My head exploded.

Zach Snyder may have pulled off the impossible feat of putting the most unfilmable graphic novel ever and actually made a great film from the 2 minute and change trailer thats below. If this lives up to the hype, I'll be astonished.

I reminded you all to read the graphic novel first. Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons gave us a new frontier in comics with the Watchmen. Every ingenious plot device, flawed characters, dystopian fucked up future and storytelling technical device you've seen in other comics, TV shows (ahem Heroes) or movies was STOLEN from the Watchmen.

Believe the hype of why the Watchmen is considered the uber best graphic novel/comic ever.

They got Rorscasch dead on. Dr. Manhattan is amazing. Silk Spectre is hot. The Comedian looks ready to kick ass. Ozymandias and Nite Owl are in glorificus mesmerizing effect.

This is going to kick ass.

Watch the trailer before Warner Bros pulls it down.




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Thursday, July 17, 2008

Tantei monogatari (Trailer)

Does Takashi Miike ever take a break from making movies?

Miike churned another police detective insan-o flick called Tantei monogatari last year. Reminds me of MDP Psycho (Multiple Personality Detective)

Twitch first put up this trailer last year, but I didn't watch it until 2 minutes ago.

Here be the plot (courtesy of Twitch and Ryuganji)

Private detective Kazama Raita (Nakayama)’s new neighbour is a dude with same name, Takashima Raita (Maki). From the moment he moves into the apartment next door, Takashima finds himself being tailed by the shady Kazama. One night, a female client of Kazama’s is found dead minus her liver, followed by a second and a third victim, one with their kidneys ripped out and the other sans lungs. The two Raitas attempt to uncover the truth, which has something to do with a tragic genius by the name of Aoyama Yuki…

Organ Harvesting.....it's gotta be good.

Check out the trailer below.



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Crows Zero (Trailer)

The one thing you can count on from Takashi Miike, Japan's uber cult film director, is that from start to finish your going on a drugged up Kool aid magic carpet ride of super duper violence and scenarios that would make your mom cry.

Miike goes back to high school with Crow Zero aka Kurôzu zero. Yakuza, bullying and power hungry rivals. What else do you need?

Based on a manga (doesn't it seem all Japanese movies are from mangas?), it's big budget blockbusters for the masses.

Do they even go to class in Japan?

Check out the trailer below.




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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Laura Panic (Short)


On my last post, I talked about the films of Adam Wingard. Seems like the Wingard's team, with writer E.L. Katz unveiled a short at the 2008 Fantasia Film Festival (thanks Fangoria)

Luckily for us, we don't have to go to Montreal to see it as it's now on YouTube. Very twisted 3 minute short that tell us us the story of Laura (Hannah Hughes) who is in love with a man who hasn’t quite noticed her yet. Dude is kinda oblivious as our femme fatale stalker has been uber stalking him for days.

I think I may be in love with the hotness that is Hannah Hughes. She's got that Scarlett Johansson look but edgier.

Check out the entire short below.




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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Home Sick and Pop Skull (Trailer)

We here at the jaded viewer do a lot of horror archeology. We dig and dig for the most obscure and not relatively known horror movies in the vast indie universe.

So with the help of the mainstream horror icon Fangoria, it's good to see we've finally found the fucked up movies of Adam Wingard.

I haven't seen any of these yet, but I am fully intrigued by the trailers.

Home Sick looks like a throwback to the grizzly 70s slashers (almost Abel Ferrera-ish) with its demented sicko carnage.

It stars Bill Moseley, Tom Towles and horror scream queen Tiffany Shepis.

The plot is chocked full of bloody goodness.......

A maniac with a suitcase full of razorblades unleashes a super human killer upon a group of kids in a small Alabama town. They must take up arms with a insane Chili enthusiast if they want to survive.

Comes out August 26th on DVD.

Home Sick (Trailer)





Popo Skull seems psychedellically insane. I'm not sure I'll get it if I'm not high.

Pop Skull (Trailer)




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Monday, July 14, 2008

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (Trailer)


Leave it up to the Canadians to reinvigorate the 80s horror-omedy.

Jon Knautz's Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer from the looks of it looks like a dash of Evil Dead, some Brain Dead, a pinch of The Gate and a heaping spoonful of Robert England.

I've been digging the horror-omedy of late with Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon topping my top 10 Horror movies of 2007.

Do we have a new Ash in the making?

Judge for yourself.




The official site is live.

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Friday, July 11, 2008

Max Payne (Trailer)



It's a film noir game with fuckin bullet time. And it kicked ass.

Game plot was kinda this:

Sorta corrupt NYPD cop gets framed for murder. Vows revenge. Gets fucked up with the drug Valkyr. Kills baddies using bullet time. Reload weapon. Repeat.
So Holly-tard has brought us the big screen version starring Mark Wahlberg as Max Payne and the hot Mila Kunis as Mona Sax.

IMDB says this is the plot:

Coming together to solve a series of murders in New York City are a DEA agent (Wahlberg) whose family was slain as part of a conspiracy and an assassin (Kunis) out to avenge her sister's death. The duo will be hunted by the police, the mob, and a ruthless corporation.

Umm ok.

I'm not sure what to think. I've always wanted big screen version of any of my beloved Rockstar Games. I mean if there is ever a GTA movie, the fanboys would shit in their pants.

Fuck. This might be good....this might suck monkey balls.

Hey, at least it's not directed byUwe Boll.

Comes out October 8th. The trailer is below.





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Thursday, July 10, 2008

Hell Ride (Red Band Trailer)


Well if its "presented by" Quentin Tarantino, it's gotta be good right? We'll instead of muscle cars, we have tuff stuff biker mother fuckers.

Good cast. Madsen, Vinnie Jones, David Carradine and Dennis Hopper.

As much as I loved Grindhouse, Larry Bishop's Hell Ride should keep my tummy yummy while I wait for Machete.

Hell Ride comes out August 8th.

Watch the trailer below.




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Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Features That Will Make You Squirm

After a week long vacat-road trip, I'm feeling good. But not good enough to go all post-a-palooza.
So my lazy ass has decided to hijack some content from UGO.com.

They've got some interesting horror-ish features that have made me IMDB some movies.

Check it out.



Top Terrifying Supernatural Moments


Top Psycho Ex Girlfriends


Scariest Movie Locales



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