In the future, the teenagers of Japan have become like the teenagers of the U.S. (lazy, narcissistic, obnoxious, ignorant, prone to violence/sex/drugs/MTV). To combat this, Japan creates a program to kill one class of students each year. 30 students go on an island with the last student standing only, allowed to live.
Kids receive weapons from the powers that be and are off to kill each other in most entertaining ways. Is actually as good as it sounds. Includes a counter of how many students remain alive. With Beat Takashi as their teacher. Great concept, if only it were real.
He's back after a 16 year hiatus and returns with a blood pumping, pulsating, throbbing (pun so intended) and wacko of a movie called Bad Biology.
Plot-o-matic tells us the story is about a Jennifer, a woman born with 8 clitorises?!? who has the sexual appetite of a porn star on acid. She kills any man she sleeps with. Batz is a dude with a John Holmes-ian johnson who is totally off his rocker. They meet up.
See the trailer below (NOT SAFE FOR FUCKIN WORK!!!)
Did you just watch that? Seriously, aren't you totally spazzing right now?
Basket Case is one my all time favorite cult movies. Such a classic. Reminisce and watch the trailer again.
It's like a zombie movie is being made every minute of every day. Some are just crappy and some are darn tootin pretty good.
But below are 5 zombie movies that you probably never heard of. (OK maybe some of you have, but I know for a fact, you've forgotten). They are all from different countries which give their take on the zombie sub genre.
Thnks to YouTube, you can check out the trailers and decide if you want to go into the zombie vault and check out these flicks.
Prognosis: Italian zombie movie from horror director Michele Soavi starring Rupert Everett and a very naked Anna Falchi. An undertaker gets the job of killing zombies when they come back to life. This is actually an awesome flick, Guillermo del Toro-ish but with lots of crosses through the head. Good times.
Directed by David Bruckner, Dan Bush and Jacob Gentry
"Do you have the crazy?"
Fuck yeah I do. I'm crazy for The Signal, which is one the best movies of 2008.
Let me start off by saying the jaded viewer is jaded because I've seen a lot of horror and underground movies. So when I tell you I like a movie, it's fuckin rarity rare.
Your movie doesn't have to be an original idea (The Signal is more of a few ideas thrown into one) but when you can pull off a solid piece of storytelling, glue in some splatter and chaos and throw in a few scenes of LOL, it makes for an awesome, most totally good time.
And that's exactly what The Signal does.
I really hate how Hollywood churns out PG-13 turd burger after horror turd. So when 3 directors can team up and shell out a gem like this, it totally gives me a happy.
Told from 3 different perspectives and directed by each director in their own unique style, each has it's own personality and blends in nicely to form a coherent film.
The movie starts off with a WTF moment but then slowly transitions into a visceral apocalypse.
First we start off with David Bruckner's "Transmission I" and we are introduced to Mya (Anessa Ramsey) and Ben (Justin Welborn).
Throughout the whole movie I thought Mya was being played by Christine Elise and not Anessa Ramsey. They look very similar to me. I have no idea why.
I was shocked when it was a different actress. The signal must have infected me. Where's my hammer?
Mya is cheating on her husband with Ben and then that's when all hell breaks loose. The signal, a flurry of colored images and a shrieking sound start broadcasting on every TV, radio and cell phone (though no Internet huh?).
Then everybody goes fuckin nuts.
Mya returning to her apartment has her husband go all Barry Bonds on his friends. Escaping she see's her neighbors go insane and start Voorheesing with knives and garden shears.
It's a great opening 40 or so minutes, chilling, totally manic and the carnage is beyond comprehension. Your sad to see this segment go but the one to follow is like the X-Files series. One episode is monster of the week, the next is light hearted Lone Gunmen fluff.
Dan Bush's "Transmission II" goes all Evil Dead by being funny and goofy. It's odd to go into post apocalyptic humor mode, but it works here. Here we meet a Pleasantville 3 as the interactions between Lewis (AJ Bowen), Anna (Cheri Christian) and Clark (Scott Poythress) are hilarious. There are some horroromedy Three's Company like moments as each of them tries to figure out "who has the crazy" The climax comes in the form of a Mr. Furly like character Jim Parsons (Chad McKnight) who had me LOLing milk out my nose.
Finally "Transmission III", Jacob Gentry's conclusion goes into Cronenberg and Danny Boyle mood as the escape from Terminix is a redux of all zombie finales. Ben searches for Mya with the help of Clark. This trimester has the tone of the first 2 and intersplices both and concludes into an eerie downer of an ending (which I always like).
I really hate happy endings. Horror movies that end with a negative are always good in my book.
As I said before, The Signal isn't original (I first thought of Romero's The Crazies and Cronenberg's Videodrome). But originality can be forgiven if the characters and the carnage never get boring.
The satire of our reliance on technology and our never ending need to be "plugged in" is ever evident. As one character states: "...rational behavior has given way to primordial action..." Do we all turn into savages when we run out of hot water or we can't watch TV? (One time I had no cable and I thought I was going to go insane)
I do have to gripe about this film in that, like Cloverfield nothing is ever explained. We get a theory from one of the characters what the signal is but that could be just mindless ramblings from his insanity. Also, part 1 could have easily carried the movie into part 3 and bypass the sitcom-ish part 2. Finally, explaining why something is happening doesn't diminish the idea if done well. It's called motive and as a viewer, we need motive. Just suspending disbelief sometimes doesn't work.
The Signal is not entirely horror, but is sort of an artsy cinema engulfed in a horror apocalypse. Some of us lived in a time without the Internet (yeah I know I just dated myself). So I know when a film challenges this new Internet generation with a film of brainwashing insanity and brute rawness, it's totally new and a breath of fresh air.
I mean seriously, when you IMDB or Wikipedia a film right after you've seen it, you know you reaaaaaaally liked it right?
The Signal will go into the horror cult of fame and is one of the best horror movies of 2008.
And that's why The Sign-dfshgsdhgklsjfdbgsdfngluithgikhefwoaehrgjenbkjsbfklrjegb
Whoa my screen just went all fuzzy and psychedelic and now I hear a shrieking noise.
"À l'intérieur complètement âne de coups de pied!!!"
"Inside totally kicks ass!!!"
-jadedviewer's jeffy pop after watching Inside
Now that's one great fuckin horror movie.
The hype surrounding Inside was all good. Arrow in the Head gave it 4 arrows. Fangoria gave it 4 skulls. And so, the jaded viewer joins in the hoopla and praise as I too will give it 4 spinkicks.
The French's track record for horror has been mixed. Alexandre Aja brought us Haute Tension which I had mixed feelings on. Gasper Noe's Irreversible was an exercise in insanity.
Inside, brought over to the States via Dimension Extreme should have been theatrical. But Hollywood's PG-13 vomit of horror will always exclude these masterpieces from ever coming overseas.
So why are we all gushing gore-tastically over Inside. It has the ingredients of one of the best horror/thriller movies of 2008.
Instructions are below.
PREP TIME 15 Min (grab some popcorn and hold on tight) COOK TIME 1 Hr 22 Min READY IN 30 Min (that's when the shit gets good)
1 secluded house in a riot prone French suburb 1 hot, pregnant French soon to be mother who has lost her husband in a car accident 1 insane, demented, disturbed, twisted, fucked up woman bent on killing our maternity ward heroine 3 inept cops 1 criminal perp at the wrong place and at the wrong time 1 newspaper boss at the wrong place and at the wrong time 1 mother at the wrong place and at the wrong time 50 gallons of blood and guts
Heaping, oozing, gloroficus blood soaked splatter spoonfuls of the following:
1 sharp object through the head 1 gun shot through the back of the head 1 scissors through the head 1 burnt face beyond recognition 1 sharp object to the neck 1 emergency tracheotomy
Put all ingredients together. Stir continuously until house is soaked and dripping with blood. Throw in slasher motive twist. Bake at 350 degrees until movie makes you say "Oh shit, that's fucked up." Movie is done when the ending gives you shivers.
Inside stars Beatrice Dalle our pregnant La femme who spends her last night home alone on Christmas Eve before she has to go to the hospital and give birth. A knock at her door has a mysterious Woman (Alysson Paradis) tell her to "Ouvre moi ta porte… que je t’ouvre le ventre." ("Open your door…. so I can open up your belly….")
And so it begins the torturous cat and mouse between the stalker and the stalkee.
Directors Bustillo and Maury sculpt a brilliant thriller wrapped in gore soaked horror euphoria. From the ominous flashes from La Femme's flickering camera flash to the red/white bathroom contrast in the aftermath of the extreme carnage, it's awesomely shot and staged. More superfluous are CGI scenes of La Femme's unborn baby looks of pain and anguish as her mother tries to survive. Totally mesmerizing and strategically placed. Definitely, something I've never ever seen before.
The FX are as Savini-ish with such attention to detail, no CG company could ever duplicate. The slitting throats, belly busting and other gore and splatter are so realistic, it was a work of art.
Gorehounds can rejoice as you will see the insides in Inside.
My only gripe was the 3rd act went in the realm of WTF, but by then you're already engulfed in the ocean that is this execution in fist pumping horror.
People will ask, is this just another torture porn? Hell fuckin no.
The characters are intriguing, the pace is slow then frenetic, there are very suspensful moments and the visuals are top notch.
The mass killings are done for a reason (if only known to our insane slasher madwoman) and it never steps out of its own reality.
This is one of the best horror films in the last decade. It has all the ingredients in a horror fan's wet dream.
One you taste this film, you'll come back for more.
I really should step away from the genre for a while. But with the Day of the Dead remake out as well as Zombie Strippers, I decided to view Automaton Transfusion.
Well that wasn't a good idea.
Straight out of the Dimension Extreme label, and hyped on the dvd cover as "One of the best zombie films in decades" by Bloody Disgusting, I figured it was worth a try.
The thing about Steven Miller's $30,000 indie horror flick, is that its a $30k flick. And it's got fast moving zombies which I absolutely hate.
So those 2 things just doomed this from the beginning.
Plot-o-matic tell us that 3 high school friends, Chris, Scott and Tim are heading to the city to see a rock band when their town in Florida goes all Romero. Zombies are rampant (no explanation for this at all until the end - which begs the question why tell us the plot at the end of the FRAKIN movie?).
The zombies are on the move attacking the residents of Whatever City, USA. The gore and splatter are top, over the top and beyond infinity awesome. A scene where a girl's jaw is ripped apart is gorely, brilliantly executed and a scene of ocular trauma is a great homage to Master Fulci.
There is an Evil Dead moment which climaxes the movie and the end blatantly boasts a To Be Continued establishing a most definite sequel.
Most of these moments and scenes are well done for an amateur film school production. With a bigger budget I see this crew doing some good things.
But alas, for Automaton Transfusion, the lack of good acting, any suspenseful scenes of mass zombies and gun shots that look like over zealous paintballs rounds make it MST3K worthy.
Even at 80 minutes, its still too long.
Kudos to the effort but I've seen countless zombie movies do what AT does. And unless you put zombies in some new location I've never seen before, it's been there, done that.
I really really need to stop watching zombie movies.
What are the top 10 scenes in Bloodsport? Well there are so many to choose from but we here at the jadedviewer have narrowed it down. I had to make some tough choices and cut it down to ten. Some notable exclusions are the opening montage scene, a couple of the mega fights (yes I know, I've got no Paco or E.Honda fights listed) and some memortable Dux moments ("you might wanna have kids one day" SPLIT).
Not everything can be put in but these 10 are the most awesome. 10 scenes. 10 classic moments.
So on to the list Shingo!
#10 "OK USA!"
Why it kicks ass: Big goofy Chinese guy's line as he brings Dux and Jackson to the so called underground tournament is classic broken english.
#9 "That's why they call this thing Bloodsport kid."
Why it kicks ass: The opening fight establishes the Kumite as some serious hardcore human cock fighting. Kudos to the janitor getting a gold tooth as he cleans up the blood on the mat hence the line.
#8 "Yeah Franky!!! Yeah!!!" Why it kicks ass: If this was a seeded tournament, Ray Jackson would be a solid #12 seed. But he easily disposes of his 1st opponent with a severe smash to the head then taunts Chong Li (bad move Ray). I mean how the hell did Ray Jackson get invited to the Kumite?
#7 "He's the American shithead that makes tricks with bricks"
Why it kicks ass: Hossein thinks he's so fuckin cocky trying to slap Janice and shit. But can Dux grab a coin from him before he closes his hand. Fuck no! Fun note: Dux learns this trick from the fish in the pond training during the Tanaka montage.
#6 "I'll be in the airport in 2 days"
Why it kicks ass: Dux gets chased by Forest Whitaker and the other guy through boats all over Hong Kong in that cheesy 80's montage sort of way. The hilarious kicker at the end is classic.
#5 "Aren't you a little old for video games?" Why it kick ass: It's Karate Champ! This goofy exchange between Dux and Jackson makes for a some classic trash talk. Awesome use of a 80s video game for foreshadowing!
#4 "You are not Japanese! You are NOT Tanaka!"
Why it kicks ass: It's an opening training montage! That's why. Whats more 80s than that?
#3 "Say It!!! Say It!!!!"
Why it kicks ass: Fuji dust, the referee jump kick, the 6 spinkicks, the Dux groan plus flashbacks!, Uncle. Nuff said.
#2 "Chong Li! Chong Li! Chong Li!"
Why it kicks ass: Chong Li becomes the unstoppable, ultimate evil when he kills his opponent and disrespects the Kokoruki elders. You so bad ass Chong Li!
#1 "Show us the Dim Mak"
Why it kicks ass: I mean c'mon now. This is the pinnacle of the movie. The judge asks for the "bottom one" and Dux obliges. When have you EVER seen somebody smash a brick with their focused energy?? Of course the Dim Mak later failed against E. Honda's chubby fat ass, but hey at least the Dim Mak got Dux into the tournament right?
jadedviewer.com actually didn't start in January 2007. It actually began as Jaded Viewer Productions in 2002 on my other site called leftoverthoughts. My friend I traded horror movies on the internet through Google news groups, horror forums and e-mail.
To make trading easier, I posted my list on my site, gave a brief and humorous descriptions of each movie and listed 50-100 movies I was willing to trade.
It could be a 1 for 1, 3 for 3 or even 5 for 5.
Below is the disclaimer as originally written:
Jaded Viewer Productions Horror List 2002
"We will offend you! Guaranteed!"
BUY, SELL OR TRADE
If you want to buy any of the movies below, all movies are $7.00 + $2 Shipping. If you want to trade for any of the movies listed below please e-mail us your horror list and we can negotiate a trade of equal or lesser value (yes! we would be willing to trade for less!)
All movies are recorded on SP mode, NTSC format only. No Box art is included. All movies are dubbed or have English subtitles unless otherwise noted.
The reason I bring this up is because I found an old blog post I wrote up after I received a CEASE AND DESIST e-mail from a company gobbling up copyrights for some very obscure movies.
I thought it was unfair at the time and I still think it is today. Remember this was circa 2002. It was pre-YouTube, infancy of eBay and message boards were rampant.
If you were part of this community, let me know. It's a bit of nostalgia down underground horror lane.
[first posted on leftoverthoughts.com on 12/30/02]
** Monday, December 30, 2002
8th generation dub
I'm still sketchy on this whole bootleg thing. Reason why I bring this up is because recently I was informed that I can't buy or sell or trade any of my underground horror flicks anymore. Here's the deal.
I recently got an e-mail stating I was in violation of copyright laws of North America by an unnamed source. This source threatended legal action and I freakin quote:
Were rather upset and were debating on turning you over to the MPAA for copyright violations. IF our films are not taken off in the next 48 hours we will retaliate harshly. Looking at your list I see most of the films your illegally duplicating are owned by North American companies. We will also contact these companies letting them know what is going on so It would become a mess for you.
If said source is reading this, I have a few things to say for the record. Jaded Viewer Productions is a 2 man operation run out of a basement. Like most underground traders, we are poor. Like eating Ramen noodles poor. The list the said source is talking about can be found here. The list was only and I repeat only a means to initiate trades. Hence, is trading movies illegal? I don't think so. That of course is me being totally biased.
I am fully aware that the unauthorized duplication of movies is illegal without the consent of Major League Baseball and the New York Mets....wait I mean without the consent of the studio...yada yada yada. So am I suppose to be a good American and wait until somebody gets the rights to the foriegn flicks I wanna see so that I can buy them on as a legal copy that will be on DVD or VHS. And why in God's name are you charging $23?!? I mean seriously. It's not like it's Pulp Fiction or something. These are barely flicks that need to be watched once then get passed along to others so they can derive enjoyment out of them. I mean solidifying a market on horror films via copyright is a itsy bitsy piece of the freakin puzzle. It's like claiming 3/4 of a penny. Why would you want to do this?
For goodness sake Kim's Video sells bootlegs!!! It's such a retarded fart of a joke.
Ebay is loaded with these bootlegging motherfuckers. And they got good stuff so I don't complain. I'm not sure how much money they are costing these "companies" but shouldn't they all be prosecuted and castrated to the full extent of the law? Shouldn't they?
Here is my opinion. Bootlegging like any vice crime doesn't hurt anyone. Physically or mentally. When it's financially I don't give a shit. Yeah so a few people don't get some monetary reparations...big fuckin deal.
Most underground horror flicks are seen by people who've initiated trades, bid on Ebay, bought from a dealer at a convention or bought online. The underground is so fuckin small. And we are mostly poor bastards. When you make a trade...you're in a sense building a small village of horror fans that you can communicate with.
The reason we exist is because we don't or don't try to conform to the economics of mainstream movies purchasing conglomerate. The movies are sorta shared...only a few will have seen particular flicks. You feel lucky if somehow you've seen a really rare flick. You've secretly entered into a cult. You've made it. Give youself a pat on the back Tonto.
Bootlegging underground horror is like file sharing on Kazaa or Morpheus. Like downloading mp3s from the now defunct Napster. Like buying flicks from the street peddler on the corner. Like buying tickets from the scalper in front of the arena. Like munching on free food from a party you were not invited to. Like propositioning a prostitute. Like stealing cable. Like hacking into a Direct TV H card. Like downloading a hacked version of Photoshop. Like copying HTML code. Like moving to the good seats at a baseball game. Like leaving for work really early. Like getting to work really late. Like taking a 2 hour lunch. Like expensing a trip to Vegas on the corporate credit card. Like cheating on your taxes. Like sneaking into a movie. Like getting free refills. Like smoking pot. Like sleeping until noon. Like stealing a Playboy. And like tipping off at the gas station.
WE ALL FUCKIN DO IT.
Bill Gates monopolized IE browsers. Of course he did. Because big fuckin money was involved. By monopolozing horror movies...less people will be able to see the flicks you oh so desperately want people to see.
Watching a horror/exploitation/cult film on an underground, imported, no cover art, mislabeled VHS tape in your slowly decaying VCR is an unbelievable feeling. The picture is kinda grainy after the 8th generation dub. The sound is kinda off. Volume goes from high to low. You try to fix the tracking. That doesn't do shit. And you watch.
Then towards the end something mysterious happens. The dude you bought or traded this flick from just taped over midget porn and you see the tale end of it. Or he's used a tape where all his old cartoons were on.
It's oh so magically delicious. This is where bootlegging becomes special. Where you feel like your part of the mainstream. The mainstream of the underground.
Then came Cannes. And the bashing. And the uber-negative reviews.
And I still thought it would be good.
It wasn't. It sucked. 2 and a half hours wasted on post apocalyptic nonsense. The Rock, Buffy, Stifler, Highlander, ex SNL regulars, the Critic, Justin freakin Timberlake, Mandy Moore, Dan Fielding and the hotness that is Bai Ling could't save this movie.
Kelly's next movie (The Box) is based on a Twilight Zone episode.
Well with the soon to be released Day of the Dead remake on the horizon, this little mockumentary takes the ease off of the gore, splatter, rapid gunfire Romero-topia we've all gotten use to.
Plot-o-matic tell us that real life documenary filmmakers Grace Lee and John Solomon (playing themselves) decide to make a documentary on zombies.
It seems zombies or "revenants" have become a growing populace in Los Angeles but are suffering the pitfalls of any fringe group in our society. They all are trying to live normal lives but they are discriminated, shunned and mocked.
The "ha ha" moment comes in the different types of zombies. Feral, low-functioning and high-functioning. The virus that creates the living dead is spread through bites and the documentary explores 4 distinct zombies, their lives and concludes with a visit to the annual Live Dead festival.
American Zombie rocks in the way of humor. And the humor pours out of the 4 main zombies we follow throughout the flick. Ivan, the zombie slacker, Judy the Asian zombie, cat loving, lonely vegan, Joel the militant, zombie activist and Lisa the string art void, florist.
Spinal Tap-ish and even Michael Moore-ish with its oozing sarcasm, the zombie jokes are a plenty like in a scene as Solomon seaches for "human flesh" in each subject's fridge. All the zombies are unique and quirky with personalities that are outright nuts. They all could be non zombies and it still would be hypnotic to watch.
Ivan the 7-11 slacker undead dude has a girlfriend with a zombie fetish (I mean even famous convicts have groupies right?). Judy's obssessive scrapbooking hobby and Joel's Zombie Advocacy Group are right on in the world of the Guiness Book of the Weird.
The satire is SMACK in your face. Obviously, Lee is telling us zombies represent any minority in America whose been shunned, downtrodded (is that a word?) and forgotten. All minorities have rights and want to be treated as equal even if your rotting away and have maggot infested wounds. It's different to see this done with the undead and thats why it rocked.
It's a cut above any zombie movie that uses zombies as a metaphor (ahem Mr. Romero). The conclusion at the Live Dead festival and it's "shocking" twist was well Nostradamused by me 10 minutes into the movie. However, American Zombie tried to figure out what it wanted to be scene after scene. Comedy, Moore-ish seriousness or horror. In the end, it went the serious-horror route.
The paper analogy comes in the blankness of it all. A pseudo documentary can accomplish satire and be funny all at the same time. The ending was blank of satire and turned into a cliched horror of the dead ending. The engine started running but by the conclusion, American Zombie ran out of gas.
So where was I going with this?
Oh yeah. American Zombie is a great flick, with some scattered flaws and good amount of laughs. Just like Ro-Sham-Bo, I didn't know what was going to be thrown. Rock? Paper? Scissors?