Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Top 10 Horror/Underground/Splatter/Gore Movies of 2007

Intro:

And the list continues! We're going to now count down the Top 10 Horror/Underground Movies of 2007. This is the complete list. Kinda weird I split this up into 2 posts but whatever. I mean our rating system is spinkicks right? So what you gonna do?

To recap, here are #10 to #5 with spinkick rating.

jadedviewer.com's Top 10 Horror/Underground/Hollywood/Cult/Splatter/Gore Movies of 2007


10.) Vacancy (3 spinkicks)

It's not everyday you see Kate Beckinsale in a movie not involving vampires and also it's not everyday you see Luke Wilson not being the normal guy in an awful shitty comedy.

But put them both together in a slick little horror flick involving a motel in the middle of nowhere with some crazed up snuff videos and killers that are resilient and cunning and you get to watch a nice little thrill ride with some supsense and twists.

It's pretty much a "what the fuck movie!?" as the escape makes you second guess next time you pull into a Motel 7.







9.) Black Sheep (3 spinkicks)

Well I had to have a horror-omedy on the list and this be it. I mean what can you say about mutant sheep? The premise alone got me to see this.

Made in New Zealand and filled with hilarious scenes of sheep gone wild because of genetic engineering (damn cloning!), they rapidly attack our sheep-phobic hero and his sidekicks as he tries to stop his insane brother from continuing these experiments.

Incredible human-sheep mutants, sheep gore and decapitations, sheep head trauma and sheep-man sexual innuendo. What more do you need from a sheep movie?





8.) 28 Weeks Later (3 spinkicks)

I'm not a big fan of the frenzy zombies but the sequel to 28 Days Later creates a good dystopian world where our RAGE infected friends can come out to play.


The opening of the movie is as scary as shit, and as we follow 2 heroic kids through the streets of London, and their escape with some unlucky soldiers its a frenetic pace of zombie-ish insanity and gore maglore.

The last scene makes you cringe because you know we're going to see something years later (pun intended).







7.) Wrong Turn 2 (3 and a half spinkicks)

From the opening scene of a hot girl getting sliced in half, I knew this movie was gonna rock. Welcome to Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. This straight to DVD gem is sort of the pop culture/internet horror entry to the list. Full of cheesy velveeta and oodles of gore, there isn't a dull moment.

Where can you find a movie where one of the characters wears a "Battle Royale" t-shirt and all the characters are a complete list generic cutouts of the horror genre.

Brave white girl (who is psycho).......check.

Henry Rollins......check.

Black guy......check.

Black girl with army training.....check.

Funny white guy addicted to sex.....check.

Hot, voluptuous girl who gives us our gratuitous nudity......check.

Inbred, really disgusting, boiled filled redneck cannibals.....oh hells yeah...CHECK!

Plotwise its pretty decent. Reality TV show goes into the redneck woods to shoot their "apocalyptic game show". But inbreds don't like normal people and they are kinda hungry.

Good amounts of gore, splatter and inbred sex. Because that's why you rented it right?


6.) The Host (3 and a half spinkicks)

Gwoemul aka The Host is our only Asian entry into the Top 10. But as the hype this year has gone to Cloverfield, this was the monster movie everybody should have seen.

The monster is so awesome its the king of awesomeness.

Plot-o-rama has US chemicals creating the monster in the Seoul's Hans River and everybody has to be quarantined. But one family: the dad, his son the crazy brother, the super archer sister seek out the crazy brother's daughter who has been monster-napped.

Suffice it to say, the Korean military isn't good at the whole Godzilla scenario so its up to the family to kick some monster ass.


Very thrilling, filled with good doses of humor and so memorable that you'll be saying "Clover-what?"


5.) Them (Ils) (3 spinkicks)

French horror flick. Yup you read that right. It's a French horror movie. But it's fuckin good and scary.

Who is "Them"? I ain't telling ya but that's the whole point isn't it? Sorta like Sixth Sense and mixed in with some jump out of your seat moments, it's all about what you don't see.

Plot-o-matic says it's about a woman (a teacher) and her husband (a writer) who live in an nicebig house somewhere in Romania. Strange noises start up in the middle of the night, cars go missing, weird phone calls and TV static. What the fuck is going on?

Could it be "Them"? Could it be that this couple is insane?

Ahhh. The myster horror movie is either the most annoying or the most brillant depending on your taste.

To me it was bloody brilliant. Sometimes the greatest fear is the one you do not see. The twists are a plenty...and the ending, well its as good as it get.



4.) Jack Ketchum’s The Girl Next Door (3 spinkicks)

Well we had to have one movie that just totally disturbed the shit out of me. And it was this one. Gregory Wilson's The Girl Next Door is tightly based loosed on Sylvia Liken's horrific murder in Indiana.

There is no huge body count, no excessive gore or splatter, no corny humor or gratuitous nudity.

What is in this movie is seeing evil with a justified happy face in the form of a sadistic psycho mom and her progeny.

There are NO supernatural monsters, unkillable slashers or even mutant sheep, all you see is the evil face of humanity and what humans do to each other, that's the most frightening thing you can ever witness.

The movie revolves around David, who encounters new neighbors Meg and her crippled sister Susan. Because of a tragedy they now live with their Aunt Ruth. But Aunt Ruth ain't your normal 1950's Mrs. Cleaver. She's an alkie and her sons are well kinda douchebags.

And this doesn't bode well to the sisters, especially Meg. Auntie Ruth abuses Meg, locks her in the basement and thus tortures her. Suffice it to say, she gets fucked up.

Very chilling and disturbing. Even for the most jaded viewer, you'll wince and feel kinda dirty after watching it. I guess that's the whole point.


3.) Grindhouse (3 and a half spinkicks)

I liked Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror better than Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof.

That's just me.

But what can I say about Grindhouse that hasn't been said by all the other horror fanboys.

Well for one thing I LOVED the fake trailers. Machete, Thanksgiving Day and Don't. Good times.

If one of these "trailers" becomes a full fledge movie, I'll be camping out in front of the theatre.



2.) Hatchet (3 spinkicks)

Old School American Horror. Motherfucker.

Read my entire review here.

Hatchet reminded me of why I love horror movies.


















and the best horror movie of 2007 is.....................................................


1.) Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
(4 spinkicks)

Clever. Just freakin clever.

That's Behind the Mask. A movie which flips the slasher genre upside down and why it's #1 on my list.

I've seen a lot of slasher movies. So fuckin many. The fact that BTM totally surprised the crap out of me is kudos to the director Scott Glosserman.

The movie is essentially about Leslie Vernon, our resident slasher of Glen Echo. He allows a documentary crew to film him as he attemps to kill the scared but brave heroine.

As we see this behind the scenes look at our slasher, we witness all the archetypes and characteristics that are the embodiment of the modern day slasher. The movie also pokes fun of the "scares" that are relevant in every quick edited slasher flick.

And that's the beauty of BTM. Just like Scream, but done waaay more cleverly, Leslie Vernon becomes slightly sympathetic and you begin to root for him.

I always wondered how we see a walking Jason Voorhees somehow get in front of kill his victims. Well he is running like crazy off screen, that's how.

It's one of the many questions Leslie Vernon answers and it's so fresh and different from anything that came out this year.

That's why it's the number 1 movie of 2007. When you can reinvent the slasher genre by adding a little bit of comedy, twists and gore, you've got a killer movie.

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Monday, January 28, 2008

Top 10 Horror/Underground/Cult/Hollywood-ish/Splatter/Gore Movies of 2007

Intro:

Here it is. Jadedviewer.com's Top 10 Horror Movies of 2007. I tried to watch most of the Holly-crap horror that came out this year as well as the straight to DVD turds and gems. But in the end, the movies on this list are what I considered the best of the best (or worst in some cases).
Various other sites have put together their Top 10. Horroryearbook has a nice little list. The Movie Blog's seems very Hollywood centric. Bloody Disgusting's is very insightful.

As soon as I have time, I'll write more in depth reviews of all these movies as each of them deserves more than a few generic quoteable lines of code.
So on to the list!

jadedviewer.com's Top 10 Horror/Underground/Hollywood/Cult/Splatter/Gore Movies of 2007
#10 to #6


10.) Vacancy

It's not everyday you see Kate Beckinsale in a movie not involving vampires and also it's not everyday you see Luke Wilson not being the normal guy in an awful comedy.

But put them both together in a slick little horror flick involving a motel in the middle of nowhere with some crazed up snuff videos and killers that are resilient and cunning and you get to watch a nice little thrill ride with some supsense and twists.

It's pretty much a what the fuck movie as the escape makes you second guess next time you pull into a Motel 7.







Well I had to have a horror-omedy on the list and this be it. I mean what can you say about mutant sheep? The premise alone got me to see this.

Made in New Zealand and filled with hilarious scenes of sheep gone wild because of genetic engineering (damn cloning!), they rapidly attack our sheep-phobic hero and his sidekicks as he tries to stop his insane brother from continuing these experiments.
Incredible human-sheep mutants, sheep gore and decapitations, sheep head trauma and sheep-man sexual innuendo. What more do you need from a sheep movie?




I'm not a big fan of the frenzy zombies but the sequel to 28 Days Later creates a good dystopian world where our RAGE infected friends can come out to play.

The opening of the movie is as scary as shit, and as we follow 2 heroic kids through the streets of London, and their escape with some unlucky soldiers its a frenetic pace of zombie-ish insanity and gore maglore.

The last scene makes you cringe because you know we're going to see something years later (pun intended).






7.) Wrong Turn 2

From the opening scene of a hot girl getting sliced in half, I knew this movie was gonna rock. Welcome to Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. This straight to DVD gem is sort of the pop culture/internet horror entry to the list. Full of cheesy velveeta and oodles of gore, there isn't a dull moment. Where can you find a movie where one of the characters wears a "Battle Royale" t-shirt and all the characters are a complete list generic cutouts of the horror genre.

Brave white girl (who is psycho).......check.

Henry Rollins......check.

Black guy......check.

Black girl with army training.....check.

Funny white guy addicted to sex.....check.

Hot, voluptuous girl who gives us our gratuitous nudity......check.

Inbred, really disgusting, boiled filled redneck cannibals.....oh hells yeah...CHECK!

Plotwise its pretty decent. Reality TV show goes into the redneck woods to shoot their "apocalyptic game show". But inbreds don't like normal people and they are kinda hungry.

Good amounts of gore, splatter and inbred sex. Because that's why you rented it right?


6.) The Host

Gwoemul aka The Host is our only Asian entry into the Top 10. But as the hype this year has gone to Cloverfield, this was the monster movie everybody should have seen.

The monster is so awesome its the king of awesomeness.

Plot-o-rama has US chemicals creating the monster in the Seoul's Hans River and everybody has to be quarantined. But one family: the dad, his son the crazy brother, the super archer sister seek out the crazy brother's daughter who has been monster-napped.

Suffice it to say, the Korean military isn't good at the whole Godzilla scenario so its up to the family to kick some monster ass.


Very thrilling, filled with good doses of humor and so memorable that you'll be saying "Clover-what?"

5.) Them (Ils)

French horror flick. Yup you read that right. It's a French horror movie. But it's fuckin good and scary.

Who is "Them"? I ain't telling ya but that's the whole point isn't it? Sorta like Sixth Sense and mixed in with some jump out of your seat moments, it's all about what you don't see.

Plot-o-matic says it's about a woman (a teacher) and her husband (a writer) who live in an nicebig house somewhere in Romania. Strange noises start up in the middle of the night, cars go missing, weird phone calls and TV static. What the fuck is going on?

Could it be "Them"? Could it be that this couple is insane?

Ahhh. The myster horror movie is either the most annoying or the most brillant depending on your taste.

To me it was bloody brilliant. Sometimes the greatest fear is the one you do not see. The twists are a plenty...and the ending, well its as good as it get.

Check back for the final Top 5 Horror Movies of 2007 in the next post!

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Thursday, January 17, 2008

Bloodsport's Kumite Brackets

Well it was about time somebody did it.


Glad it wasn't me. We here at jadedviewer.com love Van Damme. Hell our ratings system is based on Frank Dux spinkicks. So when Insano Steve sent me this link, I was speechless and overjoyed.


On Wikipedia's Bloodsport entry, somebody put together the tournament brackets for the Kumite.


YES!!!!

Kudos. Much applause and clapping from me.


Do you realize how hard that was to do?

Somebody had to watch Bloodsport over and over again and then during the cheesy 80's Kumite fight scene montage, they had to meticulously write down each fighter's name, who they fought and how it all fit in tournament style.


The bracket is filled with lots of info. As we do not see every fight of the 3 day Kumite and every fighter is not named (on that scoreboard with the lights), the writer had to come up with classic nicknames such as:


Leotard Guy

Kung Fu Guy

Black Karate

Kickboxer Guy

Tattooed Guy


and


Angry Midget



The best part of the entire bracket is the asterick (*) next to Chuan Mung as *RIP.


AWESOME!!!

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Sunday, January 13, 2008

Top 6 Must See Hollywood Horror/Underground/Indie/Cult Movies of 2008

As I am still compiling my list of Top 2007 Horror/Underground Movies of 2007, below you will find the Top 6 anticipated Hollywood horror movies of 2008 with the trailers so you can be overhyped like the rest of us.

6.) Funny Games (US remake)

Release Date: March 14, 2008

Michael Haneke's remakes his own film for US Audiences. It's a shot by shot remake of his classic psycho thriller. It stars Naomi Watts and Tim Roth.

Trailer:




5.) Cloverfield

Release Date: January 18, 2008 (like you didn't know)

Do I really need to explain this one?
Just go read my theory of what I think the monster is.

Trailer:




4.) Doomsday

Release Date: March 14, 2008

Neil Marshall, the director who gave us Dog Soldiers and The Descent is back with a futuristic 28 Days Later like scenario that can only be terrifying and scary as shit.

Trailer:

No Trailer Yet.


3.) The Signal

Release Date: February 22, 2008

What happens when you hear a mysterious signal and it causes everybody to turn into cold blooded psycho killers?

Run away!

Trailer:




2. ) The Poughkeepsie Tapes

Release Date: ???

Serial killer tapes his own murders (ala August Underground) and the footage is found. Gets put on YouTube in a matter of hours.

Trailer:




1.) Diary of the Dead

Release Date: February 15, 2008 (limited), May 20, 2008 (wide)

It's #1 because it's Romero + Zombies = AWESOMENESS. Did I mention it's freakin Zombies! The premise is all Blair Witch-ish but that won't stop this from giving us our zombie fix.

Trailer:

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Tuesday, January 08, 2008

The Cloverfield Monster Revealed!!!

What the fuck is it??

What is the Cloverfield monster?

<-----click on the image to the left to see the monster in motion The vague trailer screen cap to the left is staticy and shadowed up. From what I can tell thats the back of the monster and it looks like it has a shell or an exoskeleton. It could be a gigantic lizard, or a monstrous amphibian or Gamera.

Who the fuck knows?

Everybody has a theory.

They've even got artistic renderings of what it could be.

See here.

Various sources say its an alien parasite or a giant robot (ala Voltron).

According to the director, Matt Reeves Cloverfield is the goverment codename for the monster:

"And it's not a project per se. It's the way that this case has been designated. That's why that is on the trailer, and it becomes clearer in the film. It's how they refer to this phenomenon [or] this case,"

I've got my own theory.

And if I'm right, this blog post is proof of my prediction 10 days before the film opens.

The Cloverfield monster is...........................



CHAMP!!!



The Lake Monster of Lake Champlain.

Champ is the US Version of the Loch Ness Monster.
Nobody knows what it is but my theory for the movie goes like this.

Some Japanese company dumped toxic shit into Lake Champlain which causes Champ to mutate into some big, gigantic monster.

Champ is now hungry and decides to go down from his comfy home of Lake Champlain down the Hudson River all the way down to NYC.

Remember the first thing you see when you are in the Hudson River is the Statue of Liberty.

The US Government knows about Champ and the mutated monster plesiosauris-like creature. They codename the monster "Cloverfield". It's a reference for the small town near Lake Champlain where Champ nests.

Of course Champ escapes and goes down river causing much destruction along the way. People start seeing "something" but nobody knows what it is.

Finally, good ole Champ ends up in NYC looking to feed on yummy humans and cause mayhem and destruction.

The ending has Champ being driven out of NYC by the Army and a distant shot of Champ's famous photo (see above) will be the last scene as he swims toward the Atlantic Ocean.

This is my theory and if its 100% true, I thought of it first.

What you got a better theory??

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