Sunday, September 16, 2007

jadedviewer.com's rating system

I wanted to explain our rating system so going forward everybody good get a clear understanding of what we think is good and what is utter shit.

As I am a big fan of Jean Claude Van Damme, (even his shitty straight to DVD movies) the rating system is based on Van Damme spin kicks.



The Van Damme spin kick, first seen in the movie BloodSport is lethal and a most potent weapon (other than the infamous Dim-Mak) in the arsenal of Frank Dux. In the course of the final match between Frank Dux and Chong Li, Dux connects on 4 spinkicks to finish off Chong Li. Though, he makes Chong Li say "Uncle" and wins the Kumite via submission, it's the spin kick that enables Dux to get the win.

So our rating system is born.

Below you will find what each rating means.


4 Spin kicks

Rating:





If we give a movie 4 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is beyond awesome. It beckons the good horror of old. It's STRONGLY, HIGHLY recommended. It's so good, you wanna slap your momma. It's totally kick ass with an extra side of whoopass. It makes you want to blow some shit up. This is the movie than will change your life. It's so good, you should quit your job and watch this movie everyday for your entire life. After watching this movie, you've been spinkicked into a submission of awesomness.



3 Spin kicks

Rating:




If we give a movie 3 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is awesome. It's recommended but not too highly. It's so good, you wanna slap your pappa. It's totally kick ass without the extra side. It makes you want to blow some shit up (but in a controlled environment). This is the movie than will change your life (for about a good month). It's so good, you should quit your job and watch this movie everyday for your entire life (then apply for another job). After watching this movie, you'll be spinkicked into an awesome euphoria (sorta like if you were on schrooms).


2 Spin kicks


Rating:




If we give a movie 2 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is ok. It's recommended but I would think twice about whether you should see this movie or pay your rent. It's good, you wanna slap your sista. It's kick ass but it might be you who's ass gets kicked. It makes you want to blow some shit up (possibly your neighbor's mailbox). This is the movie that WILL NOT change your life. You might as well have spent some money on some Ramen or a slice of pizza. After watching this movie, you'll be spinkicked into reality in 2 hours (or 80 min depending on the running time).


1Spinkick

Rating:




If we give a movie 1 spin kick, it basically means this movie is utter shit. It's NOT recommended at all and you should start an internet petition for others to not see this piece of garabge either. It's so bad, you wanna slap your self for seeing it. It's doesn't kick ass and you should kick your own ass for watching this vile piece of celluloid. It makes you want to blow yourself up (and possibly even gouge your eyes out so you will never have to watch movies again). This is the movie that will make you vomit for a full hour. After watching this movie, you'll be spinkicked into watching chick flicks.

0 Spinkicks

If we give a movie 0 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is completely utter shit and I will hunt down the director and skull fuck him. After seeing this movie, suicide is taken under serious consideration. The movie might make you jump off a bridge. After watching this movie, death should be highly considered.

I hope this rating system is helpful for all going forward. If you have any suggestions, please use the comments below to chime in.

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Sunday, September 09, 2007

Review of the Day: Halloween (Rob Zombie Remake)

Halloween

Halloween (2007)
Directed by Rob Zombie

I don't know why Zombie thought he could attempt to remake Halloween. It's just going to fuel the naysayers who love to add fuel to the fire American horror is dead. And though I loved the Devil's Rejects, this piece of floating turd should be flushed down the nearest toilet.

The thing about this movie is that the aura of Michael Myers is his ambiguity. All Loomis tells us from Carpenter's version is he is pure evil. That's enough to go by. He killed his sister, some of the asylum staff and he wants to murder his sister. His backstory is wrapped up. He is evil. That's all we gotta know.

Seeing Michael Myers and his fucked up childhood is liking seeing a Lifetime TV movie. Stripper mom, alcoholic stepfather, sexpot sister and innocent little baby "Boo". Are we suppose to debate Michael's surroundings and environment made him evil?

I don't fuckin care.

What I care about his my potential heroine being helpless and weak but through the chase and survival of a torturous night, becomes strong and brave. I care about her friends who will be filled with teenage angst and sexual desires, then will be killed meticulously by our ingenious slasher.

Myers is smart. He's strong. He's focused. And he's fuckin mute. Hearing Myers speak is like Jason Voorhees cracking Freddy Kreuger jokes. Mute means mute. He doesn't say a damn word. Not as a kid. Not ever.

I'm not going to bore you with the plot, the gore and the endless cameos by the Zombie regulars. What I wanted from Zombie was to take Halloween and make it his own. He took most of the elements from Carpenter and just colored them differently.

Even Laurie Strode, our heroine is somebody you wouldn't even want to hang out with. She never knew why she was being stalked. The whole boogeyman angle was never fully developed. The kids were waaaaaay too smart and tried to hammer down the boogeyman thing into our collective conciousness.

Myers is the boogeyman. But we'd never know it from this flick. He is suppose to be the embodiment of little children's nightmares. And what Carpenter does well is make the boogeyman real to not just the kids Laurie is babysitting, but to her and her friends.

In Zombie's version, you never get that feeling. We know too much of Myers. The mystery is gone. His eventual demise doesn't initiate a Tiger Woods fist pump but a smack in the forehead.

This is not a very good film. And sometimes I think American horror is dead. But then I watch the original and I have hope.

Watch Carpenter's version and you'll see why Halloween is the best slasher movie of all time.


Rating:


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Sunday, September 02, 2007

Steve's Movie Review Of The Day: Rapeman

Rapeman aka Ô Edo Rapeman
Rapeman (1996)
Directed by Takao Nagaishi

Steve's Review

Only Japan would do this. If you've become desensitized to violence (and who hasn't?) then it's time to become desensitized to rape. The Rapeman Service is a rape-for-hire business in Japan that works for those who can not find justice otherwise. For a simple retainer, the Rapeman will 'right wrongs through penetration'. Of course, being raped by the Rapeman is such an honor, one wonders if it even qualifies as rape as most 'targets' can only beg to see more of our hero's 'super powers'. This movie is so wrong, it's gotta be right. You'll laugh at the rape, feel guilty, then watch some more. God bless all that is Japan!

HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION.

**Bonus Steve's Movie Review Of The Day: Tomie**

Tomie
Tomie (1999)
Directed by Ataru Oikawa

If The Ring was the Japanese 'Scream', then this is the Japanese 'Urban Legend'. Underrated flick features title character being continuously murdered then subsequently resurrected. Apparently, girl is so hot, she'll cause guys to kill each other, themselves and/or her. This has been happening over and over for hundreds of years. One really has to bring into question the Japanese ability to solve murders when you hear that. Wildy ambiguous ending!


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